Blame, Shame, and A New Beginning

I am having difficulty admitting responsibility for the trouble I have gotten into. To me it seems like my boyfriend is the one who starts making bad choices first. It seems like it's his fault.

Prayer:
God, I want to be responsible for what I have done. Please help me to admit wrong. Help me to be humble. Help me to be in control of myself. Help me to be powerful. 

I have feeling of anger and distrust toward my boyfriend for what has happened. I feel like he doesn't love me. I want to be able to love well, regardless.

One of the most recent incidents kind of pushed me over the edge. We continued to cross the line into what is most definitely completely inappropriate.

I feel like as I was thinking just now, I am reminded of some of the wrong choices I've made. I've done really wrong things. To me, what my boyfriend did seemed worse, but that may not be completely true. And it doesn't make me innocent. I know that I need to apologize to my boyfriend and to God for what I have done.

I've tried to maintain my innocence telling myself that I wasn't the one making the bad decisions. I was trying to be passive and just let what ever happened happen. I'm sorry for trying to pass the blame. I'me sorry for making excuses. I'm sorry for the wrong and dishonoring things I have done. I'm sorry for impure experiences. I'm sorry for a loss innocence that I have caused.

I've felt like my life is ruined by what my boyfriend and I have done. I know how hugely inappropriate we have been. This isn't how I wanted to live my life. I wanted to be able to know and say that I hadn't crossed the lines we have crossed. I wanted to be pure. I had already previously had impurity in my mind, but my relationships had been pure. I thought I was ashamed before, but this is so much more real.

I need to live in forgiveness. I need to live as if I was forgiven and I need to forgive others.

Prayer:
God, I ask you to heal the hurt that I have caused. Heal me and heal my boyfriend. Help me to not be so selfish, only thinking of myself. Help me to want good things for my boyfriend. Help me to love him the way you love him. Help me to live as though I am forgiven. Help me to live as if sin is not part of my life. I don't want to accept this as part of my identity. I don't want to accept this as the norm. 

God is "doing something new, it's fresh. We haven't seen anything like it yet"

I trust God to create a new beginning in my life, and in the relationship with my boyfriend.

Again!

So, I had wanted this blog to be about finding restoration and about living above sin. Instead it seems like I keep saying, "I messed up again." I'm really tired of it. I want to live victorious. That's why I haven't posted much in the past week or so. Things just seem to be going down hill. So many things have happened that I never would have thought would. So many things have happened that I wish wouldn't have. If anything this should be a lesson of what not to do. Take all precautions possible. I advise you to go out of your way to avoid temptation. Be intentional about your choices.

I don't really have any excuses for what has happened. But I want to take time to examine all of the factors. These factors led to bad choices. I want to be able to make good choices regardless of my circumstance.

Prayer:
God I ask that you help me to understand what has happened. Help me to examine the past in a helpful way. Help me to not be stuck in a cycle of repetition. Help me learn from my past. God, I'm asking you to take my ashes and turn them into something beautiful. Take the mess I have created and turn it into something good. God, I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to live in victory. I want to live in freedom.

I've been super emotional over the past several weeks, just feeling defeated by life. I've felt so alone. I'm busy and so is everyone else around me. No one understands the turmoil I feel. I've felt like my life is falling apart. I've felt like life is more than I can handle. I've just wanted someone to spend time with me, someone to pay attention to me. The only person I've really been able to connect with has been my boyfriend. But with his busy schedule, with work, school, school projects, and school trips, are time always seems limited and rushed. I feel like we don't even have time to connect. We don't have time to do anything meaningful with our time because as soon as we get together- we're almost out of time.

My desire for affection and my vulnerable state of confusion and sadness causes me to seek to take. I want to take affection, and attention. I want to get. I've felt so drained and empty that it's as if I need someone to pay attention to me, to want to be with me.

In the moment of compromise, I think to myself, "whoa, too far. we shouldn't be doing this." But I don't feel like admitting this out-loud. I think sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice. Recently I think I was kind of outraged by the wrong things that were happening, but I didn't know what to do. Obviously I could just walk away. I felt powerless though. I don't completely understand why....

Prayer:
God, I ask you to help me realize the power that I have. Help me to seek you. Help me to value what is good. 

It's not only that I felt like I couldn't stop it, but part of me didn't want to. Wrong choices are enjoyable for a time. It's exciting, and fun.

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on the pleasure of sex. I feel like I need to take everything I can to experience satisfaction since I can't have what I really want. But my fleshly desires shouldn't get to win, meanwhile the rest of me is destroyed. At the time, I may have physically felt satisfied, but I was left feeling empty, used, dirty, and stupid. I didn't feel valuable or loved.

I asked God why sometimes I don't say "no" when I should. I think I'm afraid of being rejected. I feel like I get tired of realizing that my boyfriend and I want different things. That I want purity and he doesn't understand that what we're doing is wrong. It feels like rejection when he doesn't understand me. It feels like rejection when he keeps whining about the rules. I just give him what he wants because I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being alone. It feels lonely to not have someone agree with you.

Increased Temptation

One conversation that my boyfriend and I have had is that our current situation causes temptation to increase. Our schedules have been so busy that we've hardly had time for one another. It seems like for over the past month we've been running on what I would consider a deficit of quality time. Every time we do get to be together it seems like we're playing catch-up. For both of us our love-language is physical touch- which means that we feel loved when we are being touched. Physical touch isn't necessarily sexual, but just touching in general. It can be anything like hugs, hand-holding, and sitting close to one another. Since we don't see each other much, we miss out on those little things that add up. Those things make us feel full and loved. When we do see each other it's as if we have to make up for all of those days in a short amount of time. I feel as though since our time is limited we need to make it count. This has led to trouble as the physical touch goes past appropriateness. I am SO TIRED of feeling like I'm in the negative. I am SO TIRED of not having enough. I feel a bit hopeless because the situation doesn't seem like it's going to change anytime soon.

Increase of temptation does not mean an excuse to sin. I was created to do what's right- not what's easy. I was created to be strong. I have the power of God living inside of me. I am powerful. I am in control of my choices.

In the book Moral Revolution (by Kris Vallotton & Havilah Cunnington) it teaches about creating a purity plan. Yes it's good to have purity goals, but it is just as important to have a plan to accomplish those goals.

Off the top of my head, here are some things that I need to consider in order to make pure choices:

Honesty:

• Admitting (to yourself and aloud to the other person)- I am tempted, I feel weak, I need help

Selflessness:

• Not just seeking to fulfill one's own desires. (I want to feel loved, so I will get you to  (or allow you to) kiss me lots... ext)
• Actually wanting to help the other person make good choices, even when you won't be getting as much affection.
• Wanting the other person to be able to respect themselves and be respectable.
• Wanting to make it easier for the other person to make good choices, instead of increasing temptation. 
• Wanting what's good for the other person spiritually instead of sexually. (yes this may please him sexually, but is it actually beneficial?)
• Wanting to give rather than receive.
• I will do what is loving. 
• I will not use another person for my benefit.  

Thinking with your brain:

• Emotions may make you "feel" like you need a sexual experience.
• What other ways can you get what you need?
• Separating needs from wants?
• Evaluating what is helpful. 
• If you actually think about it you would probably be able to tell that it's a bad idea. 

Praying

• When you don't know the answer ask God
• Trust Him to help.

Prayer:

God, I feel like I've been selfish. I've been so desperate for time and affection. My thoughts have been "me, me, me." Help me to love more. Help me to consider others as more important than myself. Help me to seek to give. Help me to find ways to not feel so needy. Fulfill my needs with your Spirit. Help me to make good choices. Help me to make choices that are helpful and not harmful. Give me an increase of wisdom. Help me to decipher my wants from my needs, what is real from what is a lie. Help me to understand my feelings and respond with power. Help me to always remember that I am a powerful person. I can do hard things