Again!

So, I had wanted this blog to be about finding restoration and about living above sin. Instead it seems like I keep saying, "I messed up again." I'm really tired of it. I want to live victorious. That's why I haven't posted much in the past week or so. Things just seem to be going down hill. So many things have happened that I never would have thought would. So many things have happened that I wish wouldn't have. If anything this should be a lesson of what not to do. Take all precautions possible. I advise you to go out of your way to avoid temptation. Be intentional about your choices.

I don't really have any excuses for what has happened. But I want to take time to examine all of the factors. These factors led to bad choices. I want to be able to make good choices regardless of my circumstance.

Prayer:
God I ask that you help me to understand what has happened. Help me to examine the past in a helpful way. Help me to not be stuck in a cycle of repetition. Help me learn from my past. God, I'm asking you to take my ashes and turn them into something beautiful. Take the mess I have created and turn it into something good. God, I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to live in victory. I want to live in freedom.

I've been super emotional over the past several weeks, just feeling defeated by life. I've felt so alone. I'm busy and so is everyone else around me. No one understands the turmoil I feel. I've felt like my life is falling apart. I've felt like life is more than I can handle. I've just wanted someone to spend time with me, someone to pay attention to me. The only person I've really been able to connect with has been my boyfriend. But with his busy schedule, with work, school, school projects, and school trips, are time always seems limited and rushed. I feel like we don't even have time to connect. We don't have time to do anything meaningful with our time because as soon as we get together- we're almost out of time.

My desire for affection and my vulnerable state of confusion and sadness causes me to seek to take. I want to take affection, and attention. I want to get. I've felt so drained and empty that it's as if I need someone to pay attention to me, to want to be with me.

In the moment of compromise, I think to myself, "whoa, too far. we shouldn't be doing this." But I don't feel like admitting this out-loud. I think sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice. Recently I think I was kind of outraged by the wrong things that were happening, but I didn't know what to do. Obviously I could just walk away. I felt powerless though. I don't completely understand why....

Prayer:
God, I ask you to help me realize the power that I have. Help me to seek you. Help me to value what is good. 

It's not only that I felt like I couldn't stop it, but part of me didn't want to. Wrong choices are enjoyable for a time. It's exciting, and fun.

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on the pleasure of sex. I feel like I need to take everything I can to experience satisfaction since I can't have what I really want. But my fleshly desires shouldn't get to win, meanwhile the rest of me is destroyed. At the time, I may have physically felt satisfied, but I was left feeling empty, used, dirty, and stupid. I didn't feel valuable or loved.

I asked God why sometimes I don't say "no" when I should. I think I'm afraid of being rejected. I feel like I get tired of realizing that my boyfriend and I want different things. That I want purity and he doesn't understand that what we're doing is wrong. It feels like rejection when he doesn't understand me. It feels like rejection when he keeps whining about the rules. I just give him what he wants because I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being alone. It feels lonely to not have someone agree with you.