Blame, Shame, and A New Beginning

I am having difficulty admitting responsibility for the trouble I have gotten into. To me it seems like my boyfriend is the one who starts making bad choices first. It seems like it's his fault.

Prayer:
God, I want to be responsible for what I have done. Please help me to admit wrong. Help me to be humble. Help me to be in control of myself. Help me to be powerful. 

I have feeling of anger and distrust toward my boyfriend for what has happened. I feel like he doesn't love me. I want to be able to love well, regardless.

One of the most recent incidents kind of pushed me over the edge. We continued to cross the line into what is most definitely completely inappropriate.

I feel like as I was thinking just now, I am reminded of some of the wrong choices I've made. I've done really wrong things. To me, what my boyfriend did seemed worse, but that may not be completely true. And it doesn't make me innocent. I know that I need to apologize to my boyfriend and to God for what I have done.

I've tried to maintain my innocence telling myself that I wasn't the one making the bad decisions. I was trying to be passive and just let what ever happened happen. I'm sorry for trying to pass the blame. I'me sorry for making excuses. I'm sorry for the wrong and dishonoring things I have done. I'm sorry for impure experiences. I'm sorry for a loss innocence that I have caused.

I've felt like my life is ruined by what my boyfriend and I have done. I know how hugely inappropriate we have been. This isn't how I wanted to live my life. I wanted to be able to know and say that I hadn't crossed the lines we have crossed. I wanted to be pure. I had already previously had impurity in my mind, but my relationships had been pure. I thought I was ashamed before, but this is so much more real.

I need to live in forgiveness. I need to live as if I was forgiven and I need to forgive others.

Prayer:
God, I ask you to heal the hurt that I have caused. Heal me and heal my boyfriend. Help me to not be so selfish, only thinking of myself. Help me to want good things for my boyfriend. Help me to love him the way you love him. Help me to live as though I am forgiven. Help me to live as if sin is not part of my life. I don't want to accept this as part of my identity. I don't want to accept this as the norm. 

God is "doing something new, it's fresh. We haven't seen anything like it yet"

I trust God to create a new beginning in my life, and in the relationship with my boyfriend.