Boundaries Definded

My boyfriend and I have throughout our relationship talked occasionally about what behavior is and is not appropriate. For the first several months of our relationship we had strict rules that we followed perfectly, until we didn't. Very quickly we dropped different rules one by one. We got into the habit of being very physical and increasingly sexual. We would have periods of time that one or both of us would decide that it would be a good idea to make better choices. We would change our actions for a time, and then compromise would come and we would once again continue to allow more and more to happen. Because our connection seemed to be going downhill, it seemed easier to maintain the physical than to pursue true intimacy. Our relationship seemed to be getting more and more shallow and hopeless.

We went to counseling to try to see if there was any hope for our relationship because to me it all felt pointless and I felt like giving up. The counselor asked about our physical boundaries and I told her that boundaries had not been a priority to us. She suggested that we re-establish boundaries in order to create a healthy relationship.

I didn't like the idea because I didn't want to give up what little enjoyment I was having in the relationship. Because establishing boundaries was important to my boyfriend I agreed. This is the list that we came up with:

• Clothes will stay on
• Hands will stay off butts, boobs, and nipples
• I will not touch his ears (causes him to make bad choices)
• Hands will stay outside of clothes
• Groinal space/ distance shall be maintained
• Time will be spent in well lit 
• When watching a movie- lighting may be reduced (but still on)
• After movie is over- lights will be restored
• Kissing on only hands and face (not above the wrist or below the jaw line)
• No open mouth kissing
• No lip biting or lip sucking
• No kissing while lying down
• No kissing while pressed together
• No rubbing or massaging while pressed together
• No rubbing or massaging while kissing
• No rubbing or massaging thighs
• Non-consecutive kissing
• He will not rub my sides

The goal of this list was to help protect ourselves from being in a place of temptation of going further and being involved sexually.

How I Got Here

Originally my plan for this blog was to post regularly frequent. I wanted an outlet of reflection of the thoughts I was thinking about relationships, sex, and marriage. When I started this blog I thought I was very serious about pursuing sexual purity. As it turned out, compromise was easier than I thought. A situation can quickly get heated up and wrong choices would be made. I was very confused about what I wanted. Initially I wanted to live in purity, because it pleases God, would keep me safe, and honor my boyfriend. The confusing part came as the temptation increased. At first sexual sin and compromise seemed obviously un-alluring. I started out thinking fairly logical. I reasoned that making good choices would have better consequences for me and were therefore more desirable than sinful choices. I think that the problem occurred because I didn't realize how easy compromise was. I didn't understand the harmfulness of little things. I had certain standards of as long as we're not doing "x, y, and z" we would be okay. I pushed the lines doing everything but "x, y, and z" instead of trying to stay as far away from trouble as possible.

One lie I believed is that I could handle "playing with fire, without getting burned."
I believed that I could handle just a little. Just enough to satisfy my needs for sex- without going to far.

I've learned that sex is a process of increase. My boyfriend and I don't do the things we used to do, we do so much more. A taste builds your appetite for more.

I've learned that: Even if something isn't in and of itself wrong, it can lead to getting stirred up with sexual passions and causing you to crave even more.

Even though I didn't realize it, I was compromising. I wanted sexual experiences and tried to fulfill those sexual desires with little acts of compromise that led to bigger acts of compromise.

I've learned that sexual experiences are best to be avoided completely if you don't want big trouble.

It's always been a confusing thing for me to recognize the difference between meeting physical needs and sexual needs. Showing physical affection without being sexual.

I don't know how to avoid it completely. I know it takes examining motives.
Are my motives seduction?
Are my motives arousal?
Am I trying to get a sexual experience?

It takes a lot of honesty.
It's hard to be honest that different actions cause sexual feelings, and cause those actions to stop.
It's difficult to deny yourself of something you enjoy.