Boundaries Definded

My boyfriend and I have throughout our relationship talked occasionally about what behavior is and is not appropriate. For the first several months of our relationship we had strict rules that we followed perfectly, until we didn't. Very quickly we dropped different rules one by one. We got into the habit of being very physical and increasingly sexual. We would have periods of time that one or both of us would decide that it would be a good idea to make better choices. We would change our actions for a time, and then compromise would come and we would once again continue to allow more and more to happen. Because our connection seemed to be going downhill, it seemed easier to maintain the physical than to pursue true intimacy. Our relationship seemed to be getting more and more shallow and hopeless.

We went to counseling to try to see if there was any hope for our relationship because to me it all felt pointless and I felt like giving up. The counselor asked about our physical boundaries and I told her that boundaries had not been a priority to us. She suggested that we re-establish boundaries in order to create a healthy relationship.

I didn't like the idea because I didn't want to give up what little enjoyment I was having in the relationship. Because establishing boundaries was important to my boyfriend I agreed. This is the list that we came up with:

• Clothes will stay on
• Hands will stay off butts, boobs, and nipples
• I will not touch his ears (causes him to make bad choices)
• Hands will stay outside of clothes
• Groinal space/ distance shall be maintained
• Time will be spent in well lit 
• When watching a movie- lighting may be reduced (but still on)
• After movie is over- lights will be restored
• Kissing on only hands and face (not above the wrist or below the jaw line)
• No open mouth kissing
• No lip biting or lip sucking
• No kissing while lying down
• No kissing while pressed together
• No rubbing or massaging while pressed together
• No rubbing or massaging while kissing
• No rubbing or massaging thighs
• Non-consecutive kissing
• He will not rub my sides

The goal of this list was to help protect ourselves from being in a place of temptation of going further and being involved sexually.