Getting Into Trouble

My boyfriend and I have been doing great with our rules. We have strategically decided what we will not do in order to avoid trouble. Up until last night we had made good choices since the fourteenth of last month. Which is almost 4 weeks/ about 26 days. This has been the longest that we have gone in any of our attempts to make good choices. 

The problem occurred  last night when we decided to test the limits. We got as close to the line as possible without originally intending to cross it. We willingly put ourselves in temptation in order to compromise and get as much of sexually excited experience as possible. Clearly that was a bad idea. I didn't care that it was a bad idea because I wanted to have fun. I was not considering the reasons for the rules. I don't feel like I have really re-built a value for purity. 

Going into this dating relationship, I had a high value for purity. I wanted to live a godly life. I wanted to protect myself from unhealthy connection. I wanted to not give parts of me away to a person who I wasn't married to. I wanted to not steal away from the gift that would be waiting for me on my wedding night. The gift of being able to offer my body to my husband for the first time. I wanted, on my wedding night to be able to say "I've waited for you- for this." Even if my current boyfriend and I do get married, we won't have that special encounter on our wedding night. I believe that sexuality was created as a gift for a husband and wife, now I've used my sexuality for other purposes and now that gift is no longer available. I've taken what was meant for something good and special and used it for something meaningless and hurtful.

I'm really discouraged and brokenhearted about this topic. I wish I hadn't made those bad choices and given up on my dreams. Now that I don't have purity, abstaining from sexual encounters doesn't seem to have as big of a benefit. I feel a lack of motivation. 

I'm also discouraged by the recent failure experienced. I'm afraid of bad choices becoming a habit AGAIN. I'm afraid of not having a good reason to change. I do want to change though. I want to live a godly life. I want to grow my relationship with my boyfriend, without doing things we aren't proud of. I feel guilty of what happened. I feel so bad for not holding to what I agreed to do. I feel bad for knowing what was right and choosing to do what was wrong. I feel bad for not being a godly leader. 

During the encounter I was having so much fun that I wish I did not feel guilty about it. I wish it was only a positive experience. I guess I wish that it wasn't wrong. I'm sad that what was at the time an enjoyable experience is now because of guilt a negative experience.