Honoring a Promise

In one of my last posts I mentioned that I had recently gone much further physically than I had ever intended to with my boyfriend. It was a very hurtful experience because I had sacrificed my purity and innocence. Up to that point, things had never been so sexual. I could say that nothing SO EXTREMELY wrong had happened yet. I felt stupid for not stopping it. I felt angry at my boyfriend for letting it happen. I blamed him for starting the whole thing. Whether he intentionally started it or not, I allowed it to continue and did not in anyway discourage what was going on, in fact I continued when he stopped. I also am responsible. Throughout the next week after that incident I was very upset and talked to my boyfriend about it. We agreed that it was inappropriate and should not have happened. My boyfriend gave me a ring and told me that he promised to protect my purity.

Because he gave a ring to represent the promise, I knew that it couldn't be just like every other time that we told each other that we were going to do better. We had to mean it this time. Because my boyfriend made this promise I know that I need to honor him by helping him keep it. If I was wicked and unloving, I could encourage him to make bad choices and then we would both end up hurt. I want him to be able to respect that he is a man of his word and I want to respect him for that also. I want to support him in making good choices, because I love him.

Love doesn't just take.
Since that night, I think about the physical enjoyment and I want more. I want sexual experiences. Sometimes (what feels like most of the time) I feel sexually deprived. Because of this lack of sexual experiences, I feel very tempted to get sexual fulfillment from my boyfriend. I could throw myself at him or do the things that I know will make good choices difficult for him. I could "give" to him so that I could get what I want. But that kind of giving isn't love. Love respects. Love protects. As a person who loves him, I need to respect his purity.

Since then we've done pretty good at not getting sexual in our physical interactions. It's not easy, but it comes from a place of love and respect. I have to choose to put him before myself, to do what is respectful, out of love for him. Out of respect for my boyfriend I will make my own good choices. I will be in control of myself. I don't want him to have to tell me "no." I want to stop myself, before he has to.

My boyfriend and I have talked about loving each other more than we love kisses- I think that is really important. It says: I love you more than I love what I can get from you.



I realize that I am very vague about the details. Probably the biggest reason for the lack of information is because it's embarrassing and I don't like admitting to everything that has happened.