Orphan Spirit

I'm not usually into these types of labels, but this is an interesting idea from which I find insight.

An "orphan spirit" as I've heard it explained is the mentality is fearful of not having enough. Because of this fear, people will go about getting what they "need" in the wrong way. 

I can relate to this in a way because of my current romantic relationship. Things really haven't been going well with me and my boyfriend. I don't have much hope for our future and it scares me. I'm afraid of what will happen if things don't work out. I used to believe that we would be together forever. I had a reason to pursue purity- I wanted to protect our future. I wanted to not steal from our marriage. Now a marriage between us seems less certain. I just keep thinking that if/ when he and I break-up- I'll be alone. I'll have to wait again for God to bring another. I really thought that I was doing the right thing when I began this relationship with my boyfriend. I thought that it was from God. If this doesn't work out. I don't want to try again. Loving someone, opening my heart- it's risky. I'm starting to doubt if God really does good things. It's not that I think it should be easy. I just think it should be worth it. Right now I don't have hope for our future. I don't want to give up. I don't want to be a quitter, but I don't see a reason to stay(other than selfish reasons.)

Another way I've experienced the "orphan" mentality is by feeling a lack of love from my boyfriend. I'm not necessarily blaming him for not being loving. I'm just saying that I don't feel it. Because I don't feel love, I will try and take "love" to fulfill my "need." Sometimes I'll start up something inappropriately physical with my boyfriend so that I can feel "love". It doesn't actually work to fill my need, but in the moment, when I'm scared, selfish, and needy, I feel like I have to do something. 

As I write this I feel hugely manipulative and scheming. It's not as if I actually sit around plotting how to use my boyfriend, but when I actually think about my motives, I realize that is what I am doing. 

Prayer:

God, help me to know that you are enough. Help me to not be afraid of being unloved. Help me to trust in you for my future. Help me to know that I am loved by you unconditionally. Help me act as though I am loved. I am not an orphan. I am a daughter of The King. You have good plans for me. You will give me a good future. You will bless me beyond all that I can imagine. Help me to not limit my expectations. Help me to see the good you are doing. Increase my faith. Help me to be thankful for what I have instead of focusing on what I do not have. 

What will I pursue?

The reason I haven't made any posts lately is because pursuing purity isn't a very high priority of mine. I've come to see how true the above statement is. If I was pursuing purity I wouldn't do the things I do. I wouldn't push physical boundaries to get as much as I can. I'm not pursuing purity. I'm pursuing sex. I can't (as in won't) have sex (intercourse) because I'm not married. However, I've been using compromise to get as much sex available. The things I've done, though technically not sex, are still sexual in nature and are not pure. Sure I have a list of things I haven't done or don't plan to do again, but I can't say that I am seeking to love and honor God with my actions.

Sexual purity is a constant battle. I want sex. Choosing to do the right thing about that desire feels like dying. But isn't that what we're called to do as Christians? Die to self. Crucify the flesh. That means choosing to not do what you want to do. It feels like agony.

I know I'm not making things easier on myself. Obvious statement: Repetitive lingering kissing while being pressed against each-other will not make avoiding sex any easier.

If you want to not have sex your choices will be to stop the physical progression now or stop it later. Stopping will never be fun. But it's a lot less fun and more heated and exciting the situation becomes. Our bodies are designed to go after more.

If I know that these choices are wrong, why do I do it?

Sometimes, just because I don't feel like telling myself no. An idea will pop into my head of unhelpful, compromising choices that I could make. My response is "Yeah that would be fun. I want that."

Definitely a big stupid reason is to get acceptance. I never thought I would be that person. So shallow and insecure. Trying to use my body to get something. But sometimes I feel myself thinking "this will make him happy." In some ways, I don't think it's all a bad motive. I've made it my job as his girlfriend to love him. Part of love gives physical affection. It gets to be a blurry line seeing the difference between appropriate affection and sexual compromise. It's difficult to keep my motives in check.

Another similar reason is to add something enjoyable to the relationship. Lately our relationship seems to mostly consist of work (we work together and have lots of time-consuming projects) or fighting. In the midst of a fight I don't want to keep crying and I still want to show him that I love him, and then things progress from there.

UGH! I don't know what I want. A big part of me wants to have a good relationship with God, but the other parts of me think that it's too much work. Then I give up and pursue satisfaction from other things.


Prayer:
God, I want to want you. I know that your ways are what's best for me. I want to be a good leader. I want to be unashamed of my life. Help me to have the right priorities. Help me to guard my heart. Right now I don't feel like making the best choices. Help me to want your best. I can't do this on my own. I don't even want to do it. I don't want to do the hard thing. I know it's not going to stop being difficult, but something in me needs to change. Give me some kind of motivation to change. One lie that I've believed at times is that I'm not good enough to have God's best. Help me to see myself the way you are. Help me to have hope for my future. 

Honoring a Promise

In one of my last posts I mentioned that I had recently gone much further physically than I had ever intended to with my boyfriend. It was a very hurtful experience because I had sacrificed my purity and innocence. Up to that point, things had never been so sexual. I could say that nothing SO EXTREMELY wrong had happened yet. I felt stupid for not stopping it. I felt angry at my boyfriend for letting it happen. I blamed him for starting the whole thing. Whether he intentionally started it or not, I allowed it to continue and did not in anyway discourage what was going on, in fact I continued when he stopped. I also am responsible. Throughout the next week after that incident I was very upset and talked to my boyfriend about it. We agreed that it was inappropriate and should not have happened. My boyfriend gave me a ring and told me that he promised to protect my purity.

Because he gave a ring to represent the promise, I knew that it couldn't be just like every other time that we told each other that we were going to do better. We had to mean it this time. Because my boyfriend made this promise I know that I need to honor him by helping him keep it. If I was wicked and unloving, I could encourage him to make bad choices and then we would both end up hurt. I want him to be able to respect that he is a man of his word and I want to respect him for that also. I want to support him in making good choices, because I love him.

Love doesn't just take.
Since that night, I think about the physical enjoyment and I want more. I want sexual experiences. Sometimes (what feels like most of the time) I feel sexually deprived. Because of this lack of sexual experiences, I feel very tempted to get sexual fulfillment from my boyfriend. I could throw myself at him or do the things that I know will make good choices difficult for him. I could "give" to him so that I could get what I want. But that kind of giving isn't love. Love respects. Love protects. As a person who loves him, I need to respect his purity.

Since then we've done pretty good at not getting sexual in our physical interactions. It's not easy, but it comes from a place of love and respect. I have to choose to put him before myself, to do what is respectful, out of love for him. Out of respect for my boyfriend I will make my own good choices. I will be in control of myself. I don't want him to have to tell me "no." I want to stop myself, before he has to.

My boyfriend and I have talked about loving each other more than we love kisses- I think that is really important. It says: I love you more than I love what I can get from you.



I realize that I am very vague about the details. Probably the biggest reason for the lack of information is because it's embarrassing and I don't like admitting to everything that has happened.