Orphan Spirit

I'm not usually into these types of labels, but this is an interesting idea from which I find insight.

An "orphan spirit" as I've heard it explained is the mentality is fearful of not having enough. Because of this fear, people will go about getting what they "need" in the wrong way. 

I can relate to this in a way because of my current romantic relationship. Things really haven't been going well with me and my boyfriend. I don't have much hope for our future and it scares me. I'm afraid of what will happen if things don't work out. I used to believe that we would be together forever. I had a reason to pursue purity- I wanted to protect our future. I wanted to not steal from our marriage. Now a marriage between us seems less certain. I just keep thinking that if/ when he and I break-up- I'll be alone. I'll have to wait again for God to bring another. I really thought that I was doing the right thing when I began this relationship with my boyfriend. I thought that it was from God. If this doesn't work out. I don't want to try again. Loving someone, opening my heart- it's risky. I'm starting to doubt if God really does good things. It's not that I think it should be easy. I just think it should be worth it. Right now I don't have hope for our future. I don't want to give up. I don't want to be a quitter, but I don't see a reason to stay(other than selfish reasons.)

Another way I've experienced the "orphan" mentality is by feeling a lack of love from my boyfriend. I'm not necessarily blaming him for not being loving. I'm just saying that I don't feel it. Because I don't feel love, I will try and take "love" to fulfill my "need." Sometimes I'll start up something inappropriately physical with my boyfriend so that I can feel "love". It doesn't actually work to fill my need, but in the moment, when I'm scared, selfish, and needy, I feel like I have to do something. 

As I write this I feel hugely manipulative and scheming. It's not as if I actually sit around plotting how to use my boyfriend, but when I actually think about my motives, I realize that is what I am doing. 

Prayer:

God, help me to know that you are enough. Help me to not be afraid of being unloved. Help me to trust in you for my future. Help me to know that I am loved by you unconditionally. Help me act as though I am loved. I am not an orphan. I am a daughter of The King. You have good plans for me. You will give me a good future. You will bless me beyond all that I can imagine. Help me to not limit my expectations. Help me to see the good you are doing. Increase my faith. Help me to be thankful for what I have instead of focusing on what I do not have.