What will I pursue?

The reason I haven't made any posts lately is because pursuing purity isn't a very high priority of mine. I've come to see how true the above statement is. If I was pursuing purity I wouldn't do the things I do. I wouldn't push physical boundaries to get as much as I can. I'm not pursuing purity. I'm pursuing sex. I can't (as in won't) have sex (intercourse) because I'm not married. However, I've been using compromise to get as much sex available. The things I've done, though technically not sex, are still sexual in nature and are not pure. Sure I have a list of things I haven't done or don't plan to do again, but I can't say that I am seeking to love and honor God with my actions.

Sexual purity is a constant battle. I want sex. Choosing to do the right thing about that desire feels like dying. But isn't that what we're called to do as Christians? Die to self. Crucify the flesh. That means choosing to not do what you want to do. It feels like agony.

I know I'm not making things easier on myself. Obvious statement: Repetitive lingering kissing while being pressed against each-other will not make avoiding sex any easier.

If you want to not have sex your choices will be to stop the physical progression now or stop it later. Stopping will never be fun. But it's a lot less fun and more heated and exciting the situation becomes. Our bodies are designed to go after more.

If I know that these choices are wrong, why do I do it?

Sometimes, just because I don't feel like telling myself no. An idea will pop into my head of unhelpful, compromising choices that I could make. My response is "Yeah that would be fun. I want that."

Definitely a big stupid reason is to get acceptance. I never thought I would be that person. So shallow and insecure. Trying to use my body to get something. But sometimes I feel myself thinking "this will make him happy." In some ways, I don't think it's all a bad motive. I've made it my job as his girlfriend to love him. Part of love gives physical affection. It gets to be a blurry line seeing the difference between appropriate affection and sexual compromise. It's difficult to keep my motives in check.

Another similar reason is to add something enjoyable to the relationship. Lately our relationship seems to mostly consist of work (we work together and have lots of time-consuming projects) or fighting. In the midst of a fight I don't want to keep crying and I still want to show him that I love him, and then things progress from there.

UGH! I don't know what I want. A big part of me wants to have a good relationship with God, but the other parts of me think that it's too much work. Then I give up and pursue satisfaction from other things.


Prayer:
God, I want to want you. I know that your ways are what's best for me. I want to be a good leader. I want to be unashamed of my life. Help me to have the right priorities. Help me to guard my heart. Right now I don't feel like making the best choices. Help me to want your best. I can't do this on my own. I don't even want to do it. I don't want to do the hard thing. I know it's not going to stop being difficult, but something in me needs to change. Give me some kind of motivation to change. One lie that I've believed at times is that I'm not good enough to have God's best. Help me to see myself the way you are. Help me to have hope for my future.