I Feel Like an Idiot

No, really. Some of you are probably reading this thinking what sort of idiot would be so stupid to make such bad choices? How can anyone be so pathetically needy? How could someone allow their circumstances to derail their convictions? Honestly I don't completely know.

I've always thought people like me were pathetic. Somehow making bad choices was easier than I thought. I never thought I would be this person. A person who tries to use sexual experiences to gain acceptance, to feel loved. I never thought I'd be so insecure.

A year ago I had a plan, I had standards. Little by little I crossed boundaries that I set up. I stopped thinking clearly. My choices were clouded by fear. I think if I would have faced these fears, none of this would have happened.

I was afraid of telling the truth and sharing how I felt.
I was afraid of trusting my secrets to someone.
I was afraid of admitting weakness.
I was afraid of not knowing how to love.
I was afraid of hurting the one I loved.
I was afraid that the one I loved wouldn't know I loved him.

This relationship started out wrong in the beginning. I wasn't honest with my feelings. I wasn't vocal about the fact that I liked my boyfriend (before we started dating) I was afraid he wouldn't know that I liked him if I didn't show him. I wasn't bold enough to tell him. I wanted to be subtle-ish. I didn't want to take a risk. I showed my affection to him with subtle touches- putting my hand on his shoulder, back, or arm. Our dating relationship began when the physical touching escalated as we eventually held hands and then held each-other.

I was just as afraid then as I am now.


Fear keeps people from living in truth. Fear keeps people from being strong. Fear keeps people from intimacy. If I was experiencing an honest/ intimate relationship, many of the mistakes would not be made.

If I had any advice to give it would be: live in freedom from fear. You are stronger. Good things take hard work.

Community

I'd like to hear from the readers a bit. If you'd like to post how you discovered this blog and why you read it. Leave a comment or send a message.

I write this blog because I need a place to analyze the situation and talk it out. I hope that I am learning and growing along the way. I believe purity is highly under-rated. I think that sex is not talked about enough and making good choices (at least for me) is WAY harder than I ever thought. I am hoping to discover why I do the things I do and ways to make better choices. I want others to learn with me. I want to share any truths I learn. I thought this blog would encourage me to keep going in the learning process by documenting my growth and discussing the truth that I learn. Instead it seems to be a confession of "living in sin." I don't want "living in sin" to be my way of life, but the fight has been harder than I expected. I've mostly been defeated, but I'm not giving up. I'm still fighting. 

Prayer: God, I pray that I will continue to fight for what is right. Help me to lead others in victory. Give me words to say that will empower people. Bring this blog to people who need to see it, let it be an encouragement. God, I want to be used by you. Use my failures for good. I know I've messed up. I know that I've sinned. Do not let my words glorify sin. Let my words lead people closer to you. 

Why not sex?

Why do you choose to not have "sex?"

I think everyone should know their answer to this question. 

My answer seems to have changed throughout my life. 

There was a time when the only thing stopping me was a was lack of opportunity.

Other times it was conviction to follow God's laws that stopped me.

The last time I answered this question my reason was that I thought it would ruin my romantic relationship because of shame. I thought that if I were to have sex with my boyfriend I would be to ashamed of what we had done that I would not want to talk to him or see him again. I wouldn't want to live with myself with that much shame. 

Now, I feel motivated by fear of the experiences. I am afraid that it would be to intimate of an experience and I don't want to trust that part of me to another person. I also am afraid of getting pregnant. 

There is something very wrong with these reasons. I don't want to be afraid, instead I want to be hopeful for what God has for me in marriage. I don't have that hope. I want to be hopeful of marriage. I want to believe that I will be married someday to a great guy who will make me feel safe, and loved- to someone I will trust and love. I want to believe that God will bless my future marriage. I want to believe that I am strong enough to conquer my fears and pursue intimacy. 

It's so hard for me to save myself for marriage when I've lost hope of having a marriage. I also feel like I've already messed up, I already don't have the purity I had wanted. It's a hard truth to face. On my wedding night, that's something I won't be able to give to my husband. I am so angry and disturbed by that fact. All of those stupid choices were so "now" focused, yet so life-changing. 

Prayer: God help me with my unbelief. Give me something to believe in. Give me a reason to hope, a reason to try. Right now I'm afraid that I'll never be loved. Forgive me for my past choices. Help me make better choices in the future. Help me not be defeated by my past. Help me live for you. Free me from the habits I've created. 

What's my motivation?

On my last post, I had said that I wanted to pursue God, because my life is His. I wanted serving God to be the purpose of my life. Because of that pursuit I knew that I needed to give up pursuing sexual sins. As a leader of a children's ministry, I knew that I should be following God if I wanted my students to do the same. I know the importance of living for God, and I want that for those that I care about. If I knew how important it was, I should be doing it myself. I knew that I could not lead the kids where I was not going.

I had realized that I was pursuing sex to feel accepted and to buy more time with my boyfriend. I didn't like that I was doing it with those motives, because it wasn't working. When I tried to use sexual experiences for that purpose I ended up feeling used and worthless. After that realization I may have briefly made good choices only to quickly get sucked back in. I think of the "fun" times I've had doing what is wrong, and I want more of that. I haven't been pursuing righteousness. I've been pursuing what makes me feel good. I'm willing to do what's wrong as long as it makes me feel good.

In the midst of a recent sexual encounter with my boyfriend, he told me that he felt bad about the choices we had made because it was wrong. My thoughts were: it was just as wrong 5 minutes ago during as it is now. I was confused, because I wasn't ready to stop. I know that what we were doing was wrong, but I was okay with it because it was satisfying my flesh. I care more about getting my way than I care about pleasing God. (that's bad)

I don't know how to change my motives. I obviously don't want to. I want to get my way.

So now I'm at least a little frustrated to not be getting what I want. But I am somewhat relieved that I don't have to be the one to say "no" for once because my boyfriend is. I'm still not motivated to choose based on what is right, only what I am allowed to do. If I thought my boyfriend was okay with more, I would do more. I want to respect my boyfriends wishes, because I love him, and I know how it feels to want to make good choices, but have someone sway you to do the opposite.

I love my boyfriend more than I love kisses. I want him to feel loved and respected. I want to help him make choices that he can be proud of.

I'm tempted to compromise in order to get as much sexual fulfillment as I can. I'll use tickling, and wrestling as an excuse to roll around and press against each-other. I'll kiss a little too long, or too many times. I'll massage a little slower. I know that it's not right trying to get these little experiences, but I feel so deprived.

I also feel a little disconnected. We've been spending less time together and much of the time we spend together is working. This disconnection increases my desire to "feel" connected. These compromises don't build connection, instead they probably build distance with dishonesty.  Physical/sexual interactions seem like the easy shortcut. But the destination doesn't end up being where I intended.

My little compromises are not helpful to my boyfriend. My job is to love. If I ever want to be a wife, my job will be helper. I want to be helpful to my boyfriend instead of opposing his desires for good choices. I want to love selflessly. A love that puts his needs and desires before my wants.

My desire for sexual experiences is great, but my desire to love is greater.
My boyfriend is worth loving.



Love is a good motive, but God is a better motive. I should be motivated by my love for God above all else.
I am reminded of a quote: "If He is not Lord of all, He is not Lord at all." - Ravenhill"
If I put anything before God that is idolatry. Whether it is my love for myself / wanting to feel good, wanting happy relationships, or my love for my boyfriend, anything I love more than I love God is an idol. Right now it seems that God isn't even in the top two of my list.

I said that I don't want to change my motives, because I don't feel like serving anyone other than myself or my boyfriend. It's amazing (amazingly terrible) that I would be more passionate about my love for my boyfriend than my love for God. Whoa! I cannot wait for my feelings to change. I cannot wait to serve God until I feel like serving God. God is worthy of my worship whether I feel like it or not.

What I should do is: choose to do what I don't feel like. I should choose to live my life for God, because God is good.

Prayer:
God, I ask for your forgiveness for not putting you first in my life. Forgive me for creating an idol. Help me trust you to provide for my needs. Help me to go against what I feel in order to do what is right. Help me live a life pleasing to you. God, I want to experience your love more. Help me not forget about you. I want to be so focused on you that nothing else matters. Increase my passion for your ways. Give me something to be excited about. God, I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone. I feel alone so often. I don't know how to make right choices when I feel alone. I constantly feel rejected. I need love. Help me to face my fears and not run away scared. Help me not give up. I need so much help! I can't do this on my own. Help me know the power I have in you. Thank you, Amen. 

My Fears and Dreams: A Letter to My Boyfriend

This is a letter written to my boyfriend that shares the deepest secrets and fears that I hide.

My love,

So as I was saying I felt like God needs to be in my life. I've been feeling a desire to “go after God,” to seek him above all else. One problem is that I've been pursing comfort and hiding behind my fears.  I know that pursuing God means I can’t pursue things that God doesn't like. God doesn't like the choices I’ve been making. I’ve been making bad choices because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being unloved. I’ve done wrong things to keep your attention and to get you to show me affection, hoping that I’ll feel loved, but I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel valued. I’ve used you to try to feel loved and that’s wrong. I’ve been so focused on how much I hate my life and wanted to make is better. I haven’t shown you the love that I should. I haven’t kept my word to you. I've been so selfish. I’m sorry. I love you, and I want to love you better. 

I feel embarrassed because I’ve said many times before that I want to change, but it hasn’t happened. Because of that, I gave up on trying. Giving up hasn’t helped. I still don’t like the choices I’ve repeatedly made. The fact that I have continued to make bad choices, doesn’t mean that I think these choices are okay; it means that I feel so hopeless that I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know how to be more serious than before. I don’t know how to not let my fears get to me. But I really want to choose God instead of my fears. I want God’s truth to rule in my life.

One big reason that I hide behind the physical stuff is that I feel so insecure about our relationship. I constantly feel like you don’t care about me. I’m tired of talking about it because nothing seems to change. I say “I feel like you don’t care about me.” You tell me you do, but then I keep getting hurt. I’ve tried not to care whether or not you love me. But I can’t not care.

I’m scared of being unable of having a good relationship. I’m scared of being too different. I’m scared that you don’t actually care about me. I’ve been too scared of having real talks because it’s hard to show who I am. It’s hard to say things that require change. It’s hard to say things you might not like. I’ve wanted things to be easy. But love is not easy. God’s plan for us is not easy. I want to believe that God’s plan is worth it. I know that you are worth it. And I have to believe that God’s way is better than mine, because my way has not been working out. I want to believe that God’s way is worth making difficult choices.

I’ve used physical stuff as a distraction from the emptiness I feel. But it doesn’t work. I only continue to feel more disconnected. I’m scared that you’re going to get tired of my constant insecurity. I’m scared that you won’t think my feelings are valid. I’m scared that there is no solution to the disconnect. I’m scared that I’m too selfish, too scared, or too incapable to love you or to be loved by you.

My dream is to be so full of God that anything is possible. But right now I’ve been choosing defeat. I’ve been choosing to let my fears rule my actions. I’ve been choosing to give up. Instead I want to choose to take a stand for what is right. Instead I want to pursue God and all that He has for me.

Will you help me pursue my dreams? Will you help me face my fears? Will you ask me “why?” I choose the way I do? Will you remind me of God’s truth? Will you pray for me? Will you believe in me when I don’t believe in myself?

I believe in you and I want to fight for your dreams with you. I believe in the dreams God has given you. God has created you for His purposes. God has created you for greatness. You are powerful and strong. 

A Plan to Face Me Fears

I wrote a letter that  I plan on reading to my boyfriend. Instead of constantly feeling helpless to my circumstance and thinking I don't know why bad things keep happening, I decided to really question why I make the choices I make. I have written down what my fears are. I think that writing them down helps me not be subject to fears without knowing it. I "want to" face my fears. I use "want to" kind of loosely. Facing fears isn't a pleasant thing, but I know it's what I need to do. I want my life to change. I don't want to keep being miserable as I let my fears control me.

I plan to read this letter to my boyfriend tomorrow. I feel confident that I will go through with this because he and I do have a plan to meet and I told him that I have written down what I will talk about. Telling him this ahead of time makes it more likely that I won't back out in fear. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and I am finally ready to start digging out. I feel like the only way to go is up. I feel desperate and don't want to keep living the way I have been.

A lot of my problems have been due to running from my fears and seeking to hide. This is my effort to face my fears and live in honesty with my boyfriend even though it's scary.