Why not sex?

Why do you choose to not have "sex?"

I think everyone should know their answer to this question. 

My answer seems to have changed throughout my life. 

There was a time when the only thing stopping me was a was lack of opportunity.

Other times it was conviction to follow God's laws that stopped me.

The last time I answered this question my reason was that I thought it would ruin my romantic relationship because of shame. I thought that if I were to have sex with my boyfriend I would be to ashamed of what we had done that I would not want to talk to him or see him again. I wouldn't want to live with myself with that much shame. 

Now, I feel motivated by fear of the experiences. I am afraid that it would be to intimate of an experience and I don't want to trust that part of me to another person. I also am afraid of getting pregnant. 

There is something very wrong with these reasons. I don't want to be afraid, instead I want to be hopeful for what God has for me in marriage. I don't have that hope. I want to be hopeful of marriage. I want to believe that I will be married someday to a great guy who will make me feel safe, and loved- to someone I will trust and love. I want to believe that God will bless my future marriage. I want to believe that I am strong enough to conquer my fears and pursue intimacy. 

It's so hard for me to save myself for marriage when I've lost hope of having a marriage. I also feel like I've already messed up, I already don't have the purity I had wanted. It's a hard truth to face. On my wedding night, that's something I won't be able to give to my husband. I am so angry and disturbed by that fact. All of those stupid choices were so "now" focused, yet so life-changing. 

Prayer: God help me with my unbelief. Give me something to believe in. Give me a reason to hope, a reason to try. Right now I'm afraid that I'll never be loved. Forgive me for my past choices. Help me make better choices in the future. Help me not be defeated by my past. Help me live for you. Free me from the habits I've created.