What's my motivation?

On my last post, I had said that I wanted to pursue God, because my life is His. I wanted serving God to be the purpose of my life. Because of that pursuit I knew that I needed to give up pursuing sexual sins. As a leader of a children's ministry, I knew that I should be following God if I wanted my students to do the same. I know the importance of living for God, and I want that for those that I care about. If I knew how important it was, I should be doing it myself. I knew that I could not lead the kids where I was not going.

I had realized that I was pursuing sex to feel accepted and to buy more time with my boyfriend. I didn't like that I was doing it with those motives, because it wasn't working. When I tried to use sexual experiences for that purpose I ended up feeling used and worthless. After that realization I may have briefly made good choices only to quickly get sucked back in. I think of the "fun" times I've had doing what is wrong, and I want more of that. I haven't been pursuing righteousness. I've been pursuing what makes me feel good. I'm willing to do what's wrong as long as it makes me feel good.

In the midst of a recent sexual encounter with my boyfriend, he told me that he felt bad about the choices we had made because it was wrong. My thoughts were: it was just as wrong 5 minutes ago during as it is now. I was confused, because I wasn't ready to stop. I know that what we were doing was wrong, but I was okay with it because it was satisfying my flesh. I care more about getting my way than I care about pleasing God. (that's bad)

I don't know how to change my motives. I obviously don't want to. I want to get my way.

So now I'm at least a little frustrated to not be getting what I want. But I am somewhat relieved that I don't have to be the one to say "no" for once because my boyfriend is. I'm still not motivated to choose based on what is right, only what I am allowed to do. If I thought my boyfriend was okay with more, I would do more. I want to respect my boyfriends wishes, because I love him, and I know how it feels to want to make good choices, but have someone sway you to do the opposite.

I love my boyfriend more than I love kisses. I want him to feel loved and respected. I want to help him make choices that he can be proud of.

I'm tempted to compromise in order to get as much sexual fulfillment as I can. I'll use tickling, and wrestling as an excuse to roll around and press against each-other. I'll kiss a little too long, or too many times. I'll massage a little slower. I know that it's not right trying to get these little experiences, but I feel so deprived.

I also feel a little disconnected. We've been spending less time together and much of the time we spend together is working. This disconnection increases my desire to "feel" connected. These compromises don't build connection, instead they probably build distance with dishonesty.  Physical/sexual interactions seem like the easy shortcut. But the destination doesn't end up being where I intended.

My little compromises are not helpful to my boyfriend. My job is to love. If I ever want to be a wife, my job will be helper. I want to be helpful to my boyfriend instead of opposing his desires for good choices. I want to love selflessly. A love that puts his needs and desires before my wants.

My desire for sexual experiences is great, but my desire to love is greater.
My boyfriend is worth loving.



Love is a good motive, but God is a better motive. I should be motivated by my love for God above all else.
I am reminded of a quote: "If He is not Lord of all, He is not Lord at all." - Ravenhill"
If I put anything before God that is idolatry. Whether it is my love for myself / wanting to feel good, wanting happy relationships, or my love for my boyfriend, anything I love more than I love God is an idol. Right now it seems that God isn't even in the top two of my list.

I said that I don't want to change my motives, because I don't feel like serving anyone other than myself or my boyfriend. It's amazing (amazingly terrible) that I would be more passionate about my love for my boyfriend than my love for God. Whoa! I cannot wait for my feelings to change. I cannot wait to serve God until I feel like serving God. God is worthy of my worship whether I feel like it or not.

What I should do is: choose to do what I don't feel like. I should choose to live my life for God, because God is good.

Prayer:
God, I ask for your forgiveness for not putting you first in my life. Forgive me for creating an idol. Help me trust you to provide for my needs. Help me to go against what I feel in order to do what is right. Help me live a life pleasing to you. God, I want to experience your love more. Help me not forget about you. I want to be so focused on you that nothing else matters. Increase my passion for your ways. Give me something to be excited about. God, I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone. I feel alone so often. I don't know how to make right choices when I feel alone. I constantly feel rejected. I need love. Help me to face my fears and not run away scared. Help me not give up. I need so much help! I can't do this on my own. Help me know the power I have in you. Thank you, Amen.