I Feel Like an Idiot

No, really. Some of you are probably reading this thinking what sort of idiot would be so stupid to make such bad choices? How can anyone be so pathetically needy? How could someone allow their circumstances to derail their convictions? Honestly I don't completely know.

I've always thought people like me were pathetic. Somehow making bad choices was easier than I thought. I never thought I would be this person. A person who tries to use sexual experiences to gain acceptance, to feel loved. I never thought I'd be so insecure.

A year ago I had a plan, I had standards. Little by little I crossed boundaries that I set up. I stopped thinking clearly. My choices were clouded by fear. I think if I would have faced these fears, none of this would have happened.

I was afraid of telling the truth and sharing how I felt.
I was afraid of trusting my secrets to someone.
I was afraid of admitting weakness.
I was afraid of not knowing how to love.
I was afraid of hurting the one I loved.
I was afraid that the one I loved wouldn't know I loved him.

This relationship started out wrong in the beginning. I wasn't honest with my feelings. I wasn't vocal about the fact that I liked my boyfriend (before we started dating) I was afraid he wouldn't know that I liked him if I didn't show him. I wasn't bold enough to tell him. I wanted to be subtle-ish. I didn't want to take a risk. I showed my affection to him with subtle touches- putting my hand on his shoulder, back, or arm. Our dating relationship began when the physical touching escalated as we eventually held hands and then held each-other.

I was just as afraid then as I am now.


Fear keeps people from living in truth. Fear keeps people from being strong. Fear keeps people from intimacy. If I was experiencing an honest/ intimate relationship, many of the mistakes would not be made.

If I had any advice to give it would be: live in freedom from fear. You are stronger. Good things take hard work.