My Fears and Dreams: A Letter to My Boyfriend

This is a letter written to my boyfriend that shares the deepest secrets and fears that I hide.

My love,

So as I was saying I felt like God needs to be in my life. I've been feeling a desire to “go after God,” to seek him above all else. One problem is that I've been pursing comfort and hiding behind my fears.  I know that pursuing God means I can’t pursue things that God doesn't like. God doesn't like the choices I’ve been making. I’ve been making bad choices because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being unloved. I’ve done wrong things to keep your attention and to get you to show me affection, hoping that I’ll feel loved, but I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel valued. I’ve used you to try to feel loved and that’s wrong. I’ve been so focused on how much I hate my life and wanted to make is better. I haven’t shown you the love that I should. I haven’t kept my word to you. I've been so selfish. I’m sorry. I love you, and I want to love you better. 

I feel embarrassed because I’ve said many times before that I want to change, but it hasn’t happened. Because of that, I gave up on trying. Giving up hasn’t helped. I still don’t like the choices I’ve repeatedly made. The fact that I have continued to make bad choices, doesn’t mean that I think these choices are okay; it means that I feel so hopeless that I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know how to be more serious than before. I don’t know how to not let my fears get to me. But I really want to choose God instead of my fears. I want God’s truth to rule in my life.

One big reason that I hide behind the physical stuff is that I feel so insecure about our relationship. I constantly feel like you don’t care about me. I’m tired of talking about it because nothing seems to change. I say “I feel like you don’t care about me.” You tell me you do, but then I keep getting hurt. I’ve tried not to care whether or not you love me. But I can’t not care.

I’m scared of being unable of having a good relationship. I’m scared of being too different. I’m scared that you don’t actually care about me. I’ve been too scared of having real talks because it’s hard to show who I am. It’s hard to say things that require change. It’s hard to say things you might not like. I’ve wanted things to be easy. But love is not easy. God’s plan for us is not easy. I want to believe that God’s plan is worth it. I know that you are worth it. And I have to believe that God’s way is better than mine, because my way has not been working out. I want to believe that God’s way is worth making difficult choices.

I’ve used physical stuff as a distraction from the emptiness I feel. But it doesn’t work. I only continue to feel more disconnected. I’m scared that you’re going to get tired of my constant insecurity. I’m scared that you won’t think my feelings are valid. I’m scared that there is no solution to the disconnect. I’m scared that I’m too selfish, too scared, or too incapable to love you or to be loved by you.

My dream is to be so full of God that anything is possible. But right now I’ve been choosing defeat. I’ve been choosing to let my fears rule my actions. I’ve been choosing to give up. Instead I want to choose to take a stand for what is right. Instead I want to pursue God and all that He has for me.

Will you help me pursue my dreams? Will you help me face my fears? Will you ask me “why?” I choose the way I do? Will you remind me of God’s truth? Will you pray for me? Will you believe in me when I don’t believe in myself?

I believe in you and I want to fight for your dreams with you. I believe in the dreams God has given you. God has created you for His purposes. God has created you for greatness. You are powerful and strong.