Honesty

I believe a big part of staying pure is honesty. The first part is being aware of my thoughts and feelings. I need to be honest with myself. Am I feeling weak? Am I feeling tempted to make bad choices? After admitting to myself what is going on I can then make a plan on how I am going to deal with it. Part of my plan will be admitting to others when I need help. I know that my boyfriend is on my side and wants to help me. I can allow him to help me by telling him what I am feeling.

For instance I could say:
"We should be careful. I miss you, and I am feeling tempted to make bad choices. Let's make good choices."

And we could discuss what we can do to avoid increasing temptation and bad choices.

The only reason why I would not do this is if I didn't actually want to avoid bad choices. Sometimes I decide to just let whatever happens happen. I decide to compromise. I decide to justify my actions. I decide that this is what  I need (to satisfy my flesh temporarily.) I have always chosen my wrong actions. In the moment, I decide that it's what I want most. We always to choose to do what we want. I need to want purity in order to choose it in my life.

Prayer:
God, I ask you to help me to be strong enough and smart enough to make good choices. Provide a way of escape when I feel tempted. Help me to want purity. Give to me your wisdom. Help me value purity, more than I value what is temporal. Help me understand the power and consequences of my actions. Help me to do what is right and what is helpful. 

Admitting Wrong

Just a quick update, because I have lots to do today.

Like I said, I was planning to talk to my pastor to give him an update on what was going on. We are close and he believes in me. I didn't want to have him believing that I was doing a good job when I wasn't. Especially since he has trusted  me with ministry in the church and I am a leader under his direction, I thought it would be good to have accountability and honesty. I talked to my pastor yesterday, telling him that there were inappropriate things going on between me and my boyfriend. Not much came from the meeting. I would like to discuss why we are having these issues of not being able to stick with boundaries. Even though I did not receive any wonderful solution to the problem, I do believe it was beneficial to have that talk. Another reason I think it was important for me to have that talk with my pastor is because it gave me the opportunity to admit to another person that I was doing something wrong. Now that I have admitted to doing something wrong, I now have the responsibility to act. I no longer can keep pretending that what I'm doing isn't wrong.

My boyfriend and I will be talking about this also. We will need to continue to set up boundaries and plans to keep them. We need to decide what we will not do. We need to set up a plan on what we will do to make right choices. We will need to decide what we WILL DO with our time together.

I also know that I need to be accountable to my accountability partners. I've been embarrassed to admit my struggle to them. I want them to think well of me.

Prayer:
God, I pray that you help me to make good choices. Help me to not compromise. Help me to be accountable. Help me to not be afraid. Help me to want to seek what is good for me. Help me to push past discomfort. Help me to have relationships of honest. 

Same Old Same Old

In my last entry I stated:
"When I don't want to make the right choice, I want to ask those questions and seek the truth. I want to not settle for compromise so that I can get what I want."

Well that didn't happen. I continued to let my boyfriend be the one to say when we need to stop. Which by the way, totally makes me feel like an idiot- as if I am incapable of being the one to make good choices.

I feel stuck on a repeating cycle. I keep deciding that I'm going to start acting differently, but when it comes to the moment of temptation, I do what I said I wasn't going to do. I feel like a broken record. I feel ridiculous.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up talking to my pastor about this because so far we haven't been able to get this figured out on our own. So far, my boyfriend and me continuously have set up rules that we end up breaking. The I wonder, as we're breaking the rules, are we going to break all of the rules? My pastor has been a close leader to me. I've been able to talk to him about difficulties I've had in the past. I'm not looking forward to telling him that I messed up. I know that he believes in me. I know that he wants what's best for me. I don't want any secrets between me and my pastor. I want him to know what's going on. I know that I can be myself with my pastor. It's important for me to have trust in that relationship. I don't want to pretend like I'm doing alright, or like I don't have problems. I can't have him thinking I am more innocent than I am. I wonder what my pastor is going to do or say. I wonder what kind of accountability he will require. I know that involving him would be better than not.

When I Don't Want To Make the Right Choice

Sometimes I hate my life. I hate that I can't have what I want. I am constantly thinking of ways to be physical with my boyfriend that I know wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be helpful to our purity, toward our ministry, or our relationship with God. We know that there are certain things that are special for marriage and we don't want to keep robbing our marriage of those experiences- it's like stealing. None of this keeps me from wanting what I want. I need to trust more God that if I follow His way, He will give me good things. I need to trust that I can be fulfilled through God's way.

When I don't want to make the right choice, I am so thankful that my boyfriend holds me accountable and asks "should we do this?"

When I don't want to make the right choice, I want to ask those questions and seek the truth. I want to not settle for compromise so that I can get what I want. 

When I see my boyfriend (or even think of him), I think of the ways I want to be close to him, to hold him and kiss him. I want those thoughts to change. I want to replace those thoughts with good thoughts I don't want to lust after him. I don't want to use him for my personal enjoyment. I want to love him. I want to give love to him. But that is part of the reason I want to kiss him, it's to give my affection to him. I think my attention should be more on God. How would God want me to love my boyfriend? How can I love and worship God through loving my boyfriend?

I think the answer to these questions is selflessness. I can love my boyfriend by giving him what he needs, not just what he wants. I can love him by respecting his purity, by not putting him in a place of temptation. I can encourage my boyfriend that we can make good choices together. I can encourage him that good choices are worth it. Instead I have been complaining about what we can't have or don't have. What would be more loving is to rejoice and celebrate what we do have. Celebrate God's goodness. 

I've been angry lately. 

Maybe at God- for giving me and my boyfriend lives of ministry.

At the laws of universe- because I can't just live without God and be okay with it, I can't live my life out of ministry and sinfully and be happy.

At my school/ church- for keeping us so busy that we don't have much time together

At my boyfriend- for not being able to spend every second with me

At myself- for not waiting for God's best, and for having a bad attitude, for being tempted

Prayer:

God, please help me with my attitude. Help me to rejoice and worship in all times. Help me to see the good you are doing. Help me to enjoy my life. Help me to trust you. Help me to not feel alone. Help me to live my life with you, knowing that you are by my side, knowing that you are on my side and for me. God give me peace to face my current situation and be okay with it. You give me everything I need. I trust you to make something good out of this challenging time. God, I know that you are good and you're doing something good.I laugh at the lies of the enemy that say that my life sucks. My life is full of you. I am getting something good from God, whether I can see it or not. 

Regret

I have regret about my online past and the things that I've seen. I regret that I can't un-see those things. I regret that it takes my mind to where it shouldn't be. I regret that what I saw gave me a false view of sex. I regret even more the things that I have done with my boyfriend. My experiences online, were private. They damaged my mind and my eyes. It wasn't as big of a reality as what has happened now. Now I have made choices that affect my heart, my body, and my relationship.

I regret that I have given away my innocence. I regret that I have given away the mystery. I regret that I have given away parts of my body. I think of my wedding night, and what I have stolen from it. I think of the experiences that I have had with my boyfriend and how fun and exciting they were. Had we waited, those experiences would be associated with joy and righteousness. The excitement of the newness now won't be experienced in our marriage. I regret that my past choices now make it even more difficult to make right choices. I regret awakening more parts of my sexuality.

Prayer:
God, I know that I had come to a conclusion about what needed to be done It's really hard for me to choose you. I have such strong feelings of desire. My love for him is passionate and I feel deprived of expression of that. Help me to be strong enough to choose what's right. Help me to have the hard conversations. Help me to seek after what's important. I feel anxious when I think about not choosing what my flesh wants. I don't feel able. In the moment of choice, I seem to change my mind. I want to be with him physically the way I have been. I want to be close. But I want to live in freedom. I think of when we were limiting ourselves to three kisses a day. That felt freeing. Now that I've experienced what I have, it makes it so much more tempting. God, I need a way of escape. Give me the strength to say the words that need to be said. Give me a passion for what I need to do. I want to serve you. I want to be a good leader. God, I've kind of tired of having these difficult conversations with him. I'm tired of admitting the truth. Facing the truth will be painful. We will have to admit that we are hurt, and that we did what's wrong. We will have to admit what we have given away. I don't want to take responsibility for what I have done. In a way I want to protect him from that responsibility also. I don't want to him to be hurt by his choices. I don't want to make him feel bad. 

Life or Death?

After much procrastination, I finally got back to doing my purity lesson. I talked out my situation with God, and I was really feeling like I need to do what is best for my relationship with Him. I need to live for Him like I said that I would. I know that I can't live this way and effectively minister the way God has called me to. But sometimes I question if I can do what God is calling me to anyway. I wonder if I'm capable, or if I'm willing. I really want to run from my responsibilities. 

I'm scared of changing my actions. I don't really want to give up the experiences that I've had. I don't want to live with having done what I have and not being able to repeat it. I just want to be married so badly right now. They say that marriage doesn't fix your problems, but it seems like it would fix this one. The problem being that there are things that I want to do but shouldn't- things that I can't encourage others to do, or tell others about, things that I can't be proud of.

 Through talking about this with God, I have decided that I need to do something. I am a leader and this is not the way to lead, so something has to change. The problem is- what needs to change? I need to talk with my boyfriend and we need to decide together. We need to decide what kind of life we can lead others to follow.  It will be a difficult choice to make, because we enjoy how things are now. By choosing to do things differently, I fear that I will be missing out. 

The lesson I did today in my course (x3pure) mentioned that sex outside of God's plan doesn't give us anything, it only takes. Although I haven't had sex, I believe that my use of my sexuality has been outside of God's plan. John 10:10 says "the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy."I think of how much less I will have to offer on my wedding night. I had hoped to have more to give. I bought the lie that I would get something out of these sexual experiences, but in reality I probably gave up more than I gained. I gave up my innocence, my purity. I feel like I've given up my value, and my worth. I feel like I've given up my respect. 

James 1:14 says that desire leads to sin, and then the sin grows and brings death.
I have to ask, "Are my choices leading to life or death?"

My choices don't make me feel more alive. My choices don't make me feel more full of joy. My choices don't bring me closer to God, they push me further. My choices are leading to death.

One belief that some have is that ""because I love him, I should give myself to him."

I do have love for my boyfriend and want to show it- but it is important to do that correctly. God has given us freedom, and it is important to not abuse that freedom. Galatians 5:13 encourages us not to use liberty for the flesh but through love to serve one another. 

In serving another person it is important not to just serve their flesh, but think of what is beneficial to the other person spiritually. I don't want to do anything that would cause damage to my boyfriend spiritually, or to God's call on his life. 

I realize that I haven't respected his purity. I haven't protected his innocence. I feel bad for that. I want to respect him and not cause him to live disrespectfully. I want to bring life to him. I feel the need to apologize and to commit to doing what's right, but doing what's right is so difficult, and not desirable. I realize that there are blessings from doing what's right. I should desire those blessings. I need to trust God to bring us intimacy and connection even without the physical. It may be something that we need to fight harder for, but it will be worth it. 

I don'd know how to have this conversation with my boyfriend. I don't want to shame him. I don't want to deprive him. But I do want what's best for him. 

Prayer:

God, I pray that you will give me the words to say. Give me the strength to face my fears. Help me to love my boyfriend above myself. Help me to have life spiritually. Help me to live a life that is a blessing and brings life to others. Help him to know that I love him. Help him to understand. Give him a passion for you, and a passion for what's right. Help me to communicate clearly. Help me to trust you. Help prepare us for marriage. Help us get closer and know each other more. Help us to know what to do and to make good choices. Help us to live a life that we can lead others to follow. This life I've chosen isn't easy. Help me to not give up. 

Avoiding the Problem

So, I haven't posted lately, because I pretty much abandoned my quest for purity. It's weird, purity has been something I've been passionate about. I've failed before, but it was something I wanted. But now, I've been choosing selfishly. I don't really know what I want. I don't really want to face my situation, because I don't really want to change it. To some extent, I want to do what's right; I want to be a good leader. I feel like I've failed. I NEVER thought I would have done the things I have. I feel alone with my thoughts. I don't want to share them, because then I would have to face reality. Reality is, I can't condone the things I have done. If it was anyone else, I would hold them to a higher standard- but now I can't. I feel as though I don't have anything to stand on. I feel as though I've lost credibility. I don't feel like I can get credibility back unless I live a life I can lead others with. I'm not saying that I'm not allowed to mess up, but this seems to go beyond that. I have created a lifestyle of compromise.

I want to be a good leader. I want to be a godly example. I want to be able to encourage people to do what's right.

I really don't want to stop this, but I'm faced with this: I gave my life to God. I gave my life to ministry. What I'm doing isn't ministering to anyone. I'm basically turning away from my commitment to Him.

My actions say that I'd rather live for myself than God. Of course I do! Who wouldn't!? How does anyone do this? Not just live a life of purity, but in general, living from the Spirit instead of the flesh.

I want to be happy, but it's so hard.
I'm unhappy and feel absolutely tortured when I don't get what I want. Now, I'm enjoying myself. - but at what cost?
What am I losing?
How can I go back?
Do I even want to?

I'm tired of doing the hard thing. I want the easy thing. Oh, if only there were no consequences. If only it wasn't wrong. If only I was married.

I wonder, Why does my life suck?

Prayer:
God, I feel far away from you. I know that I can't pursue a relationship with you and maintain this lifestyle. I haven't been praying. I haven't been worshiping. Because you haven't been important to me. This totally feels like a jerk declaration. Like we're supposed to be friends and here I am saying that I don't care about our relationship. I know that I need to speak the truth. I need to admit what I am doing. My day should be full of you. You should be on my mind from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I should be walking with you all day. But I've pushed you away. My actions have shown what is important to me, but I don't actually want to give up what we have. I need your help. I feel like giving up on my dreams. I feel like I fail at being a leader. Who am I trying to fool. I feel like I suck. I feel like I can't do this. 

God, I need you. I need you in my life. I need to hear your voice. Please be gentle with me. I'm not asking you to tell me what I want to hear. I am asking for a miracle. Make me miraculously strong to do what's right. Help give me the wisdom to make the truth bearable, to make doing the right thing bearable. I need a strategy of what to do. I want to enjoy my life. I want to not be ashamed. I want joy. I want fruitfulness. I want fun. I want contentment. I want intimacy. I want trust. I want connection. Can I have what I want and what I need? Can I enjoy being in your will? Sometimes I wish I could enjoy being out of it, but I don't actually want to be. I just want my way. I want to have fun. 

God, I need a miracle. I need to want your will for my life. I need to want your way for my life. Your ways are good. You are a good God. You give me good things. Help me to see the good things you have given me. Help change my view of life. Get me out of the pit of negativity. 

Thank you for not giving up on me, Amen.