When I Don't Want To Make the Right Choice

Sometimes I hate my life. I hate that I can't have what I want. I am constantly thinking of ways to be physical with my boyfriend that I know wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be helpful to our purity, toward our ministry, or our relationship with God. We know that there are certain things that are special for marriage and we don't want to keep robbing our marriage of those experiences- it's like stealing. None of this keeps me from wanting what I want. I need to trust more God that if I follow His way, He will give me good things. I need to trust that I can be fulfilled through God's way.

When I don't want to make the right choice, I am so thankful that my boyfriend holds me accountable and asks "should we do this?"

When I don't want to make the right choice, I want to ask those questions and seek the truth. I want to not settle for compromise so that I can get what I want. 

When I see my boyfriend (or even think of him), I think of the ways I want to be close to him, to hold him and kiss him. I want those thoughts to change. I want to replace those thoughts with good thoughts I don't want to lust after him. I don't want to use him for my personal enjoyment. I want to love him. I want to give love to him. But that is part of the reason I want to kiss him, it's to give my affection to him. I think my attention should be more on God. How would God want me to love my boyfriend? How can I love and worship God through loving my boyfriend?

I think the answer to these questions is selflessness. I can love my boyfriend by giving him what he needs, not just what he wants. I can love him by respecting his purity, by not putting him in a place of temptation. I can encourage my boyfriend that we can make good choices together. I can encourage him that good choices are worth it. Instead I have been complaining about what we can't have or don't have. What would be more loving is to rejoice and celebrate what we do have. Celebrate God's goodness. 

I've been angry lately. 

Maybe at God- for giving me and my boyfriend lives of ministry.

At the laws of universe- because I can't just live without God and be okay with it, I can't live my life out of ministry and sinfully and be happy.

At my school/ church- for keeping us so busy that we don't have much time together

At my boyfriend- for not being able to spend every second with me

At myself- for not waiting for God's best, and for having a bad attitude, for being tempted

Prayer:

God, please help me with my attitude. Help me to rejoice and worship in all times. Help me to see the good you are doing. Help me to enjoy my life. Help me to trust you. Help me to not feel alone. Help me to live my life with you, knowing that you are by my side, knowing that you are on my side and for me. God give me peace to face my current situation and be okay with it. You give me everything I need. I trust you to make something good out of this challenging time. God, I know that you are good and you're doing something good.I laugh at the lies of the enemy that say that my life sucks. My life is full of you. I am getting something good from God, whether I can see it or not.