Regret

I have regret about my online past and the things that I've seen. I regret that I can't un-see those things. I regret that it takes my mind to where it shouldn't be. I regret that what I saw gave me a false view of sex. I regret even more the things that I have done with my boyfriend. My experiences online, were private. They damaged my mind and my eyes. It wasn't as big of a reality as what has happened now. Now I have made choices that affect my heart, my body, and my relationship.

I regret that I have given away my innocence. I regret that I have given away the mystery. I regret that I have given away parts of my body. I think of my wedding night, and what I have stolen from it. I think of the experiences that I have had with my boyfriend and how fun and exciting they were. Had we waited, those experiences would be associated with joy and righteousness. The excitement of the newness now won't be experienced in our marriage. I regret that my past choices now make it even more difficult to make right choices. I regret awakening more parts of my sexuality.

Prayer:
God, I know that I had come to a conclusion about what needed to be done It's really hard for me to choose you. I have such strong feelings of desire. My love for him is passionate and I feel deprived of expression of that. Help me to be strong enough to choose what's right. Help me to have the hard conversations. Help me to seek after what's important. I feel anxious when I think about not choosing what my flesh wants. I don't feel able. In the moment of choice, I seem to change my mind. I want to be with him physically the way I have been. I want to be close. But I want to live in freedom. I think of when we were limiting ourselves to three kisses a day. That felt freeing. Now that I've experienced what I have, it makes it so much more tempting. God, I need a way of escape. Give me the strength to say the words that need to be said. Give me a passion for what I need to do. I want to serve you. I want to be a good leader. God, I've kind of tired of having these difficult conversations with him. I'm tired of admitting the truth. Facing the truth will be painful. We will have to admit that we are hurt, and that we did what's wrong. We will have to admit what we have given away. I don't want to take responsibility for what I have done. In a way I want to protect him from that responsibility also. I don't want to him to be hurt by his choices. I don't want to make him feel bad.