Same Old Same Old

In my last entry I stated:
"When I don't want to make the right choice, I want to ask those questions and seek the truth. I want to not settle for compromise so that I can get what I want."

Well that didn't happen. I continued to let my boyfriend be the one to say when we need to stop. Which by the way, totally makes me feel like an idiot- as if I am incapable of being the one to make good choices.

I feel stuck on a repeating cycle. I keep deciding that I'm going to start acting differently, but when it comes to the moment of temptation, I do what I said I wasn't going to do. I feel like a broken record. I feel ridiculous.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up talking to my pastor about this because so far we haven't been able to get this figured out on our own. So far, my boyfriend and me continuously have set up rules that we end up breaking. The I wonder, as we're breaking the rules, are we going to break all of the rules? My pastor has been a close leader to me. I've been able to talk to him about difficulties I've had in the past. I'm not looking forward to telling him that I messed up. I know that he believes in me. I know that he wants what's best for me. I don't want any secrets between me and my pastor. I want him to know what's going on. I know that I can be myself with my pastor. It's important for me to have trust in that relationship. I don't want to pretend like I'm doing alright, or like I don't have problems. I can't have him thinking I am more innocent than I am. I wonder what my pastor is going to do or say. I wonder what kind of accountability he will require. I know that involving him would be better than not.