Avoiding the Problem

So, I haven't posted lately, because I pretty much abandoned my quest for purity. It's weird, purity has been something I've been passionate about. I've failed before, but it was something I wanted. But now, I've been choosing selfishly. I don't really know what I want. I don't really want to face my situation, because I don't really want to change it. To some extent, I want to do what's right; I want to be a good leader. I feel like I've failed. I NEVER thought I would have done the things I have. I feel alone with my thoughts. I don't want to share them, because then I would have to face reality. Reality is, I can't condone the things I have done. If it was anyone else, I would hold them to a higher standard- but now I can't. I feel as though I don't have anything to stand on. I feel as though I've lost credibility. I don't feel like I can get credibility back unless I live a life I can lead others with. I'm not saying that I'm not allowed to mess up, but this seems to go beyond that. I have created a lifestyle of compromise.

I want to be a good leader. I want to be a godly example. I want to be able to encourage people to do what's right.

I really don't want to stop this, but I'm faced with this: I gave my life to God. I gave my life to ministry. What I'm doing isn't ministering to anyone. I'm basically turning away from my commitment to Him.

My actions say that I'd rather live for myself than God. Of course I do! Who wouldn't!? How does anyone do this? Not just live a life of purity, but in general, living from the Spirit instead of the flesh.

I want to be happy, but it's so hard.
I'm unhappy and feel absolutely tortured when I don't get what I want. Now, I'm enjoying myself. - but at what cost?
What am I losing?
How can I go back?
Do I even want to?

I'm tired of doing the hard thing. I want the easy thing. Oh, if only there were no consequences. If only it wasn't wrong. If only I was married.

I wonder, Why does my life suck?

Prayer:
God, I feel far away from you. I know that I can't pursue a relationship with you and maintain this lifestyle. I haven't been praying. I haven't been worshiping. Because you haven't been important to me. This totally feels like a jerk declaration. Like we're supposed to be friends and here I am saying that I don't care about our relationship. I know that I need to speak the truth. I need to admit what I am doing. My day should be full of you. You should be on my mind from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I should be walking with you all day. But I've pushed you away. My actions have shown what is important to me, but I don't actually want to give up what we have. I need your help. I feel like giving up on my dreams. I feel like I fail at being a leader. Who am I trying to fool. I feel like I suck. I feel like I can't do this. 

God, I need you. I need you in my life. I need to hear your voice. Please be gentle with me. I'm not asking you to tell me what I want to hear. I am asking for a miracle. Make me miraculously strong to do what's right. Help give me the wisdom to make the truth bearable, to make doing the right thing bearable. I need a strategy of what to do. I want to enjoy my life. I want to not be ashamed. I want joy. I want fruitfulness. I want fun. I want contentment. I want intimacy. I want trust. I want connection. Can I have what I want and what I need? Can I enjoy being in your will? Sometimes I wish I could enjoy being out of it, but I don't actually want to be. I just want my way. I want to have fun. 

God, I need a miracle. I need to want your will for my life. I need to want your way for my life. Your ways are good. You are a good God. You give me good things. Help me to see the good things you have given me. Help change my view of life. Get me out of the pit of negativity. 

Thank you for not giving up on me, Amen.