Life or Death?

After much procrastination, I finally got back to doing my purity lesson. I talked out my situation with God, and I was really feeling like I need to do what is best for my relationship with Him. I need to live for Him like I said that I would. I know that I can't live this way and effectively minister the way God has called me to. But sometimes I question if I can do what God is calling me to anyway. I wonder if I'm capable, or if I'm willing. I really want to run from my responsibilities. 

I'm scared of changing my actions. I don't really want to give up the experiences that I've had. I don't want to live with having done what I have and not being able to repeat it. I just want to be married so badly right now. They say that marriage doesn't fix your problems, but it seems like it would fix this one. The problem being that there are things that I want to do but shouldn't- things that I can't encourage others to do, or tell others about, things that I can't be proud of.

 Through talking about this with God, I have decided that I need to do something. I am a leader and this is not the way to lead, so something has to change. The problem is- what needs to change? I need to talk with my boyfriend and we need to decide together. We need to decide what kind of life we can lead others to follow.  It will be a difficult choice to make, because we enjoy how things are now. By choosing to do things differently, I fear that I will be missing out. 

The lesson I did today in my course (x3pure) mentioned that sex outside of God's plan doesn't give us anything, it only takes. Although I haven't had sex, I believe that my use of my sexuality has been outside of God's plan. John 10:10 says "the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy."I think of how much less I will have to offer on my wedding night. I had hoped to have more to give. I bought the lie that I would get something out of these sexual experiences, but in reality I probably gave up more than I gained. I gave up my innocence, my purity. I feel like I've given up my value, and my worth. I feel like I've given up my respect. 

James 1:14 says that desire leads to sin, and then the sin grows and brings death.
I have to ask, "Are my choices leading to life or death?"

My choices don't make me feel more alive. My choices don't make me feel more full of joy. My choices don't bring me closer to God, they push me further. My choices are leading to death.

One belief that some have is that ""because I love him, I should give myself to him."

I do have love for my boyfriend and want to show it- but it is important to do that correctly. God has given us freedom, and it is important to not abuse that freedom. Galatians 5:13 encourages us not to use liberty for the flesh but through love to serve one another. 

In serving another person it is important not to just serve their flesh, but think of what is beneficial to the other person spiritually. I don't want to do anything that would cause damage to my boyfriend spiritually, or to God's call on his life. 

I realize that I haven't respected his purity. I haven't protected his innocence. I feel bad for that. I want to respect him and not cause him to live disrespectfully. I want to bring life to him. I feel the need to apologize and to commit to doing what's right, but doing what's right is so difficult, and not desirable. I realize that there are blessings from doing what's right. I should desire those blessings. I need to trust God to bring us intimacy and connection even without the physical. It may be something that we need to fight harder for, but it will be worth it. 

I don'd know how to have this conversation with my boyfriend. I don't want to shame him. I don't want to deprive him. But I do want what's best for him. 

Prayer:

God, I pray that you will give me the words to say. Give me the strength to face my fears. Help me to love my boyfriend above myself. Help me to have life spiritually. Help me to live a life that is a blessing and brings life to others. Help him to know that I love him. Help him to understand. Give him a passion for you, and a passion for what's right. Help me to communicate clearly. Help me to trust you. Help prepare us for marriage. Help us get closer and know each other more. Help us to know what to do and to make good choices. Help us to live a life that we can lead others to follow. This life I've chosen isn't easy. Help me to not give up.