New Years

This time last year I remember being super frustrated. The one thing that I wanted to change about the new year was that I wanted to be free from sexual temptation. I wanted to have a pure mind and not feel trapped. I felt frustrated because I thought this goal was not possible. This had been a problem I had faced for years and I thought it was never going away. I thought that I could never change. I felt squashed by my past.

I still wish that some things from my past weren't there. A lot of things actually. Some of them seem too terrible for me to speak of. I wonder if things from my past will ever come back to haunt me. I'm scared. I pray that God will protect me and that He will use all things for good. Even if that past comes back and is used against me, God can make that work for good. It may hurt, but God will be by my side. I pray that He gives me peace to not be defeated by possibility of future calamity. I pray that God will give me peace in the event that something does come up.

Bachelorette Party

A close friend of mine is getting married next weekend. To celebrate with her some friends threw her a bachelorette party. The party was being hosted by church people and they assured the guests that they were going to keep things classy. I had been to a couple of other bachelorette parties previously and was confident that it would not be more than I could handle. The party was on the clean side and nothing offensively vulgar. The part that caused me trouble was the opening of gifts. The bride received gifts for her honeymoon, and speculated about what that would be like.

After the party was over, I couldn't help but wish that I been receiving those gifts and wish that I would be enjoying those parts of marriage soon. For the next few days, I had sex on the brain and couldn't seem to get it out. I kept imagining and wondering about my honeymoon, and feeling very impatient.

Prayer: God, I pray that you will help me control my thoughts. Help me to have patience to save for marriage everything that is designed for marriage. Help me to make no compromises. Help me to pursue purity. Help me overcome temptation. 

Engaged Life

Okay, so that's news! I've been engaged for a month now! :) It's a very exciting thing.

It's been too long since I've posted an update of my journey.

First of all, it seems like I've stopped being an "I" and more of a "we" lately. The "we" I refer to will be my fiance and me.

A while back we made a list of physical boundaries that we intended to maintain. Our goal was that we wanted to be in right relationship with God by not participating in sinful behavior. The other goal was to strengthen our relationship by not distracting ourselves from emotional growth by focusing on physical intimacy. Before becoming engaged we were fairly rigid in adhering to these boundaries except for 1 incident, which crossed some of the rules but not a great number of them.

After becoming engaged we spent so much of our time talking about what our future would be like, that it was hard to not just want to start those things now. It was confusing trying to mentally keep the physical intimacy in future. We recognized that we were getting too comfortable physically and had made small compromises. We decided that any compromise could lead to trouble and that we wanted to avoid trouble.

There was another time that my fiance and I spent all day planning our wedding and were getting very excited about the wedding. We gave in to our passions and broke our boundaries again.

In recent news, preparing for marriage got real. My fiance and I began to talk about differing lifestyle choices and how to work together in harmony. These conversations were more difficult than either of us had expected. We didn't seem to be reaching an agreement and it was frustrating. This situations caused a lot of fear for me. I was feeling afraid of not being able to work through these situations. Because of the fear and the difficulty in our relationship, I wanted to avoid the challenge and do something easy- like kissing. This happened two days in a row. After the first day we decided that we wanted to avoid temptation to stay out of trouble and not create bad habits. But then the second day came and we discussed more difficult topics. Wanting to have an enjoyable ending to a rough conversation we decided again to turn to kissing. This time we realized that we were using the physical aspect as a replacement for connection, which in-turn builds distance. We don't want to go back to how our relationship was before when it was full of fear and no real connection- just avoiding the truth.

Even though this seems like a lot of failure in the past month or so, we are learning a lot. With each failure causes us to learn why we want to choose differently next time. We are not creating bad habits. We have not fallen even close to where we were before we made our list of boundaries. We need to make sure that it stays that way.

Temptation Up to My Eyeballs

Ughh. Right now I feel an overload of desire to make bad choices. I want to so badly. It feels tortuous. I pray for relief and that I will have endurance to overcome this temptation.

Getting Into Trouble

My boyfriend and I have been doing great with our rules. We have strategically decided what we will not do in order to avoid trouble. Up until last night we had made good choices since the fourteenth of last month. Which is almost 4 weeks/ about 26 days. This has been the longest that we have gone in any of our attempts to make good choices. 

The problem occurred  last night when we decided to test the limits. We got as close to the line as possible without originally intending to cross it. We willingly put ourselves in temptation in order to compromise and get as much of sexually excited experience as possible. Clearly that was a bad idea. I didn't care that it was a bad idea because I wanted to have fun. I was not considering the reasons for the rules. I don't feel like I have really re-built a value for purity. 

Going into this dating relationship, I had a high value for purity. I wanted to live a godly life. I wanted to protect myself from unhealthy connection. I wanted to not give parts of me away to a person who I wasn't married to. I wanted to not steal away from the gift that would be waiting for me on my wedding night. The gift of being able to offer my body to my husband for the first time. I wanted, on my wedding night to be able to say "I've waited for you- for this." Even if my current boyfriend and I do get married, we won't have that special encounter on our wedding night. I believe that sexuality was created as a gift for a husband and wife, now I've used my sexuality for other purposes and now that gift is no longer available. I've taken what was meant for something good and special and used it for something meaningless and hurtful.

I'm really discouraged and brokenhearted about this topic. I wish I hadn't made those bad choices and given up on my dreams. Now that I don't have purity, abstaining from sexual encounters doesn't seem to have as big of a benefit. I feel a lack of motivation. 

I'm also discouraged by the recent failure experienced. I'm afraid of bad choices becoming a habit AGAIN. I'm afraid of not having a good reason to change. I do want to change though. I want to live a godly life. I want to grow my relationship with my boyfriend, without doing things we aren't proud of. I feel guilty of what happened. I feel so bad for not holding to what I agreed to do. I feel bad for knowing what was right and choosing to do what was wrong. I feel bad for not being a godly leader. 

During the encounter I was having so much fun that I wish I did not feel guilty about it. I wish it was only a positive experience. I guess I wish that it wasn't wrong. I'm sad that what was at the time an enjoyable experience is now because of guilt a negative experience. 

Following The New List

Following the rules has been hard. I constantly get frustrated about what I can't do. I have strong feelings of what I want, that are unable to be satisfied.

The list is good. I know that there are so many benefits to following the list that we made.The purpose of the rules is to avoid sexual encounters so that we will not be distracted from growing other parts of our relationship.This is important because we love each other and want to grow our relationship. If we’re going to be in a relationship, let’s make it good. There’s no point in wasting our time on a relationship without depth. We want a godly relationship. We want to live a godly life so that we can be leaders to others.

Putting the list in print really helps us to remember that these rules are official. Before the list, it was easy to think of the rules as being subject to change at any moment that I changed my mind and wanted something differently. Now we have specific things that we know are not okay. What is okay and not okay is not only what is on the list. The list is a guide to HELP keep us out of trouble. If we avoid the things on the list we will generally stay out of trouble. It would be difficult to get into big trouble without breaking any of the rules on the list. However, we can't only follow the list we also need to generally think about our choices and whether they are helpful to our goal of avoiding sexual encounters and protecting each other's purity.

Boundaries Definded

My boyfriend and I have throughout our relationship talked occasionally about what behavior is and is not appropriate. For the first several months of our relationship we had strict rules that we followed perfectly, until we didn't. Very quickly we dropped different rules one by one. We got into the habit of being very physical and increasingly sexual. We would have periods of time that one or both of us would decide that it would be a good idea to make better choices. We would change our actions for a time, and then compromise would come and we would once again continue to allow more and more to happen. Because our connection seemed to be going downhill, it seemed easier to maintain the physical than to pursue true intimacy. Our relationship seemed to be getting more and more shallow and hopeless.

We went to counseling to try to see if there was any hope for our relationship because to me it all felt pointless and I felt like giving up. The counselor asked about our physical boundaries and I told her that boundaries had not been a priority to us. She suggested that we re-establish boundaries in order to create a healthy relationship.

I didn't like the idea because I didn't want to give up what little enjoyment I was having in the relationship. Because establishing boundaries was important to my boyfriend I agreed. This is the list that we came up with:

• Clothes will stay on
• Hands will stay off butts, boobs, and nipples
• I will not touch his ears (causes him to make bad choices)
• Hands will stay outside of clothes
• Groinal space/ distance shall be maintained
• Time will be spent in well lit 
• When watching a movie- lighting may be reduced (but still on)
• After movie is over- lights will be restored
• Kissing on only hands and face (not above the wrist or below the jaw line)
• No open mouth kissing
• No lip biting or lip sucking
• No kissing while lying down
• No kissing while pressed together
• No rubbing or massaging while pressed together
• No rubbing or massaging while kissing
• No rubbing or massaging thighs
• Non-consecutive kissing
• He will not rub my sides

The goal of this list was to help protect ourselves from being in a place of temptation of going further and being involved sexually.

How I Got Here

Originally my plan for this blog was to post regularly frequent. I wanted an outlet of reflection of the thoughts I was thinking about relationships, sex, and marriage. When I started this blog I thought I was very serious about pursuing sexual purity. As it turned out, compromise was easier than I thought. A situation can quickly get heated up and wrong choices would be made. I was very confused about what I wanted. Initially I wanted to live in purity, because it pleases God, would keep me safe, and honor my boyfriend. The confusing part came as the temptation increased. At first sexual sin and compromise seemed obviously un-alluring. I started out thinking fairly logical. I reasoned that making good choices would have better consequences for me and were therefore more desirable than sinful choices. I think that the problem occurred because I didn't realize how easy compromise was. I didn't understand the harmfulness of little things. I had certain standards of as long as we're not doing "x, y, and z" we would be okay. I pushed the lines doing everything but "x, y, and z" instead of trying to stay as far away from trouble as possible.

One lie I believed is that I could handle "playing with fire, without getting burned."
I believed that I could handle just a little. Just enough to satisfy my needs for sex- without going to far.

I've learned that sex is a process of increase. My boyfriend and I don't do the things we used to do, we do so much more. A taste builds your appetite for more.

I've learned that: Even if something isn't in and of itself wrong, it can lead to getting stirred up with sexual passions and causing you to crave even more.

Even though I didn't realize it, I was compromising. I wanted sexual experiences and tried to fulfill those sexual desires with little acts of compromise that led to bigger acts of compromise.

I've learned that sexual experiences are best to be avoided completely if you don't want big trouble.

It's always been a confusing thing for me to recognize the difference between meeting physical needs and sexual needs. Showing physical affection without being sexual.

I don't know how to avoid it completely. I know it takes examining motives.
Are my motives seduction?
Are my motives arousal?
Am I trying to get a sexual experience?

It takes a lot of honesty.
It's hard to be honest that different actions cause sexual feelings, and cause those actions to stop.
It's difficult to deny yourself of something you enjoy.

I Feel Like an Idiot

No, really. Some of you are probably reading this thinking what sort of idiot would be so stupid to make such bad choices? How can anyone be so pathetically needy? How could someone allow their circumstances to derail their convictions? Honestly I don't completely know.

I've always thought people like me were pathetic. Somehow making bad choices was easier than I thought. I never thought I would be this person. A person who tries to use sexual experiences to gain acceptance, to feel loved. I never thought I'd be so insecure.

A year ago I had a plan, I had standards. Little by little I crossed boundaries that I set up. I stopped thinking clearly. My choices were clouded by fear. I think if I would have faced these fears, none of this would have happened.

I was afraid of telling the truth and sharing how I felt.
I was afraid of trusting my secrets to someone.
I was afraid of admitting weakness.
I was afraid of not knowing how to love.
I was afraid of hurting the one I loved.
I was afraid that the one I loved wouldn't know I loved him.

This relationship started out wrong in the beginning. I wasn't honest with my feelings. I wasn't vocal about the fact that I liked my boyfriend (before we started dating) I was afraid he wouldn't know that I liked him if I didn't show him. I wasn't bold enough to tell him. I wanted to be subtle-ish. I didn't want to take a risk. I showed my affection to him with subtle touches- putting my hand on his shoulder, back, or arm. Our dating relationship began when the physical touching escalated as we eventually held hands and then held each-other.

I was just as afraid then as I am now.


Fear keeps people from living in truth. Fear keeps people from being strong. Fear keeps people from intimacy. If I was experiencing an honest/ intimate relationship, many of the mistakes would not be made.

If I had any advice to give it would be: live in freedom from fear. You are stronger. Good things take hard work.

Community

I'd like to hear from the readers a bit. If you'd like to post how you discovered this blog and why you read it. Leave a comment or send a message.

I write this blog because I need a place to analyze the situation and talk it out. I hope that I am learning and growing along the way. I believe purity is highly under-rated. I think that sex is not talked about enough and making good choices (at least for me) is WAY harder than I ever thought. I am hoping to discover why I do the things I do and ways to make better choices. I want others to learn with me. I want to share any truths I learn. I thought this blog would encourage me to keep going in the learning process by documenting my growth and discussing the truth that I learn. Instead it seems to be a confession of "living in sin." I don't want "living in sin" to be my way of life, but the fight has been harder than I expected. I've mostly been defeated, but I'm not giving up. I'm still fighting. 

Prayer: God, I pray that I will continue to fight for what is right. Help me to lead others in victory. Give me words to say that will empower people. Bring this blog to people who need to see it, let it be an encouragement. God, I want to be used by you. Use my failures for good. I know I've messed up. I know that I've sinned. Do not let my words glorify sin. Let my words lead people closer to you. 

Why not sex?

Why do you choose to not have "sex?"

I think everyone should know their answer to this question. 

My answer seems to have changed throughout my life. 

There was a time when the only thing stopping me was a was lack of opportunity.

Other times it was conviction to follow God's laws that stopped me.

The last time I answered this question my reason was that I thought it would ruin my romantic relationship because of shame. I thought that if I were to have sex with my boyfriend I would be to ashamed of what we had done that I would not want to talk to him or see him again. I wouldn't want to live with myself with that much shame. 

Now, I feel motivated by fear of the experiences. I am afraid that it would be to intimate of an experience and I don't want to trust that part of me to another person. I also am afraid of getting pregnant. 

There is something very wrong with these reasons. I don't want to be afraid, instead I want to be hopeful for what God has for me in marriage. I don't have that hope. I want to be hopeful of marriage. I want to believe that I will be married someday to a great guy who will make me feel safe, and loved- to someone I will trust and love. I want to believe that God will bless my future marriage. I want to believe that I am strong enough to conquer my fears and pursue intimacy. 

It's so hard for me to save myself for marriage when I've lost hope of having a marriage. I also feel like I've already messed up, I already don't have the purity I had wanted. It's a hard truth to face. On my wedding night, that's something I won't be able to give to my husband. I am so angry and disturbed by that fact. All of those stupid choices were so "now" focused, yet so life-changing. 

Prayer: God help me with my unbelief. Give me something to believe in. Give me a reason to hope, a reason to try. Right now I'm afraid that I'll never be loved. Forgive me for my past choices. Help me make better choices in the future. Help me not be defeated by my past. Help me live for you. Free me from the habits I've created. 

What's my motivation?

On my last post, I had said that I wanted to pursue God, because my life is His. I wanted serving God to be the purpose of my life. Because of that pursuit I knew that I needed to give up pursuing sexual sins. As a leader of a children's ministry, I knew that I should be following God if I wanted my students to do the same. I know the importance of living for God, and I want that for those that I care about. If I knew how important it was, I should be doing it myself. I knew that I could not lead the kids where I was not going.

I had realized that I was pursuing sex to feel accepted and to buy more time with my boyfriend. I didn't like that I was doing it with those motives, because it wasn't working. When I tried to use sexual experiences for that purpose I ended up feeling used and worthless. After that realization I may have briefly made good choices only to quickly get sucked back in. I think of the "fun" times I've had doing what is wrong, and I want more of that. I haven't been pursuing righteousness. I've been pursuing what makes me feel good. I'm willing to do what's wrong as long as it makes me feel good.

In the midst of a recent sexual encounter with my boyfriend, he told me that he felt bad about the choices we had made because it was wrong. My thoughts were: it was just as wrong 5 minutes ago during as it is now. I was confused, because I wasn't ready to stop. I know that what we were doing was wrong, but I was okay with it because it was satisfying my flesh. I care more about getting my way than I care about pleasing God. (that's bad)

I don't know how to change my motives. I obviously don't want to. I want to get my way.

So now I'm at least a little frustrated to not be getting what I want. But I am somewhat relieved that I don't have to be the one to say "no" for once because my boyfriend is. I'm still not motivated to choose based on what is right, only what I am allowed to do. If I thought my boyfriend was okay with more, I would do more. I want to respect my boyfriends wishes, because I love him, and I know how it feels to want to make good choices, but have someone sway you to do the opposite.

I love my boyfriend more than I love kisses. I want him to feel loved and respected. I want to help him make choices that he can be proud of.

I'm tempted to compromise in order to get as much sexual fulfillment as I can. I'll use tickling, and wrestling as an excuse to roll around and press against each-other. I'll kiss a little too long, or too many times. I'll massage a little slower. I know that it's not right trying to get these little experiences, but I feel so deprived.

I also feel a little disconnected. We've been spending less time together and much of the time we spend together is working. This disconnection increases my desire to "feel" connected. These compromises don't build connection, instead they probably build distance with dishonesty.  Physical/sexual interactions seem like the easy shortcut. But the destination doesn't end up being where I intended.

My little compromises are not helpful to my boyfriend. My job is to love. If I ever want to be a wife, my job will be helper. I want to be helpful to my boyfriend instead of opposing his desires for good choices. I want to love selflessly. A love that puts his needs and desires before my wants.

My desire for sexual experiences is great, but my desire to love is greater.
My boyfriend is worth loving.



Love is a good motive, but God is a better motive. I should be motivated by my love for God above all else.
I am reminded of a quote: "If He is not Lord of all, He is not Lord at all." - Ravenhill"
If I put anything before God that is idolatry. Whether it is my love for myself / wanting to feel good, wanting happy relationships, or my love for my boyfriend, anything I love more than I love God is an idol. Right now it seems that God isn't even in the top two of my list.

I said that I don't want to change my motives, because I don't feel like serving anyone other than myself or my boyfriend. It's amazing (amazingly terrible) that I would be more passionate about my love for my boyfriend than my love for God. Whoa! I cannot wait for my feelings to change. I cannot wait to serve God until I feel like serving God. God is worthy of my worship whether I feel like it or not.

What I should do is: choose to do what I don't feel like. I should choose to live my life for God, because God is good.

Prayer:
God, I ask for your forgiveness for not putting you first in my life. Forgive me for creating an idol. Help me trust you to provide for my needs. Help me to go against what I feel in order to do what is right. Help me live a life pleasing to you. God, I want to experience your love more. Help me not forget about you. I want to be so focused on you that nothing else matters. Increase my passion for your ways. Give me something to be excited about. God, I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone. I feel alone so often. I don't know how to make right choices when I feel alone. I constantly feel rejected. I need love. Help me to face my fears and not run away scared. Help me not give up. I need so much help! I can't do this on my own. Help me know the power I have in you. Thank you, Amen. 

My Fears and Dreams: A Letter to My Boyfriend

This is a letter written to my boyfriend that shares the deepest secrets and fears that I hide.

My love,

So as I was saying I felt like God needs to be in my life. I've been feeling a desire to “go after God,” to seek him above all else. One problem is that I've been pursing comfort and hiding behind my fears.  I know that pursuing God means I can’t pursue things that God doesn't like. God doesn't like the choices I’ve been making. I’ve been making bad choices because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being unloved. I’ve done wrong things to keep your attention and to get you to show me affection, hoping that I’ll feel loved, but I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel valued. I’ve used you to try to feel loved and that’s wrong. I’ve been so focused on how much I hate my life and wanted to make is better. I haven’t shown you the love that I should. I haven’t kept my word to you. I've been so selfish. I’m sorry. I love you, and I want to love you better. 

I feel embarrassed because I’ve said many times before that I want to change, but it hasn’t happened. Because of that, I gave up on trying. Giving up hasn’t helped. I still don’t like the choices I’ve repeatedly made. The fact that I have continued to make bad choices, doesn’t mean that I think these choices are okay; it means that I feel so hopeless that I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know how to be more serious than before. I don’t know how to not let my fears get to me. But I really want to choose God instead of my fears. I want God’s truth to rule in my life.

One big reason that I hide behind the physical stuff is that I feel so insecure about our relationship. I constantly feel like you don’t care about me. I’m tired of talking about it because nothing seems to change. I say “I feel like you don’t care about me.” You tell me you do, but then I keep getting hurt. I’ve tried not to care whether or not you love me. But I can’t not care.

I’m scared of being unable of having a good relationship. I’m scared of being too different. I’m scared that you don’t actually care about me. I’ve been too scared of having real talks because it’s hard to show who I am. It’s hard to say things that require change. It’s hard to say things you might not like. I’ve wanted things to be easy. But love is not easy. God’s plan for us is not easy. I want to believe that God’s plan is worth it. I know that you are worth it. And I have to believe that God’s way is better than mine, because my way has not been working out. I want to believe that God’s way is worth making difficult choices.

I’ve used physical stuff as a distraction from the emptiness I feel. But it doesn’t work. I only continue to feel more disconnected. I’m scared that you’re going to get tired of my constant insecurity. I’m scared that you won’t think my feelings are valid. I’m scared that there is no solution to the disconnect. I’m scared that I’m too selfish, too scared, or too incapable to love you or to be loved by you.

My dream is to be so full of God that anything is possible. But right now I’ve been choosing defeat. I’ve been choosing to let my fears rule my actions. I’ve been choosing to give up. Instead I want to choose to take a stand for what is right. Instead I want to pursue God and all that He has for me.

Will you help me pursue my dreams? Will you help me face my fears? Will you ask me “why?” I choose the way I do? Will you remind me of God’s truth? Will you pray for me? Will you believe in me when I don’t believe in myself?

I believe in you and I want to fight for your dreams with you. I believe in the dreams God has given you. God has created you for His purposes. God has created you for greatness. You are powerful and strong. 

A Plan to Face Me Fears

I wrote a letter that  I plan on reading to my boyfriend. Instead of constantly feeling helpless to my circumstance and thinking I don't know why bad things keep happening, I decided to really question why I make the choices I make. I have written down what my fears are. I think that writing them down helps me not be subject to fears without knowing it. I "want to" face my fears. I use "want to" kind of loosely. Facing fears isn't a pleasant thing, but I know it's what I need to do. I want my life to change. I don't want to keep being miserable as I let my fears control me.

I plan to read this letter to my boyfriend tomorrow. I feel confident that I will go through with this because he and I do have a plan to meet and I told him that I have written down what I will talk about. Telling him this ahead of time makes it more likely that I won't back out in fear. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and I am finally ready to start digging out. I feel like the only way to go is up. I feel desperate and don't want to keep living the way I have been.

A lot of my problems have been due to running from my fears and seeking to hide. This is my effort to face my fears and live in honesty with my boyfriend even though it's scary.

Orphan Spirit

I'm not usually into these types of labels, but this is an interesting idea from which I find insight.

An "orphan spirit" as I've heard it explained is the mentality is fearful of not having enough. Because of this fear, people will go about getting what they "need" in the wrong way. 

I can relate to this in a way because of my current romantic relationship. Things really haven't been going well with me and my boyfriend. I don't have much hope for our future and it scares me. I'm afraid of what will happen if things don't work out. I used to believe that we would be together forever. I had a reason to pursue purity- I wanted to protect our future. I wanted to not steal from our marriage. Now a marriage between us seems less certain. I just keep thinking that if/ when he and I break-up- I'll be alone. I'll have to wait again for God to bring another. I really thought that I was doing the right thing when I began this relationship with my boyfriend. I thought that it was from God. If this doesn't work out. I don't want to try again. Loving someone, opening my heart- it's risky. I'm starting to doubt if God really does good things. It's not that I think it should be easy. I just think it should be worth it. Right now I don't have hope for our future. I don't want to give up. I don't want to be a quitter, but I don't see a reason to stay(other than selfish reasons.)

Another way I've experienced the "orphan" mentality is by feeling a lack of love from my boyfriend. I'm not necessarily blaming him for not being loving. I'm just saying that I don't feel it. Because I don't feel love, I will try and take "love" to fulfill my "need." Sometimes I'll start up something inappropriately physical with my boyfriend so that I can feel "love". It doesn't actually work to fill my need, but in the moment, when I'm scared, selfish, and needy, I feel like I have to do something. 

As I write this I feel hugely manipulative and scheming. It's not as if I actually sit around plotting how to use my boyfriend, but when I actually think about my motives, I realize that is what I am doing. 

Prayer:

God, help me to know that you are enough. Help me to not be afraid of being unloved. Help me to trust in you for my future. Help me to know that I am loved by you unconditionally. Help me act as though I am loved. I am not an orphan. I am a daughter of The King. You have good plans for me. You will give me a good future. You will bless me beyond all that I can imagine. Help me to not limit my expectations. Help me to see the good you are doing. Increase my faith. Help me to be thankful for what I have instead of focusing on what I do not have. 

What will I pursue?

The reason I haven't made any posts lately is because pursuing purity isn't a very high priority of mine. I've come to see how true the above statement is. If I was pursuing purity I wouldn't do the things I do. I wouldn't push physical boundaries to get as much as I can. I'm not pursuing purity. I'm pursuing sex. I can't (as in won't) have sex (intercourse) because I'm not married. However, I've been using compromise to get as much sex available. The things I've done, though technically not sex, are still sexual in nature and are not pure. Sure I have a list of things I haven't done or don't plan to do again, but I can't say that I am seeking to love and honor God with my actions.

Sexual purity is a constant battle. I want sex. Choosing to do the right thing about that desire feels like dying. But isn't that what we're called to do as Christians? Die to self. Crucify the flesh. That means choosing to not do what you want to do. It feels like agony.

I know I'm not making things easier on myself. Obvious statement: Repetitive lingering kissing while being pressed against each-other will not make avoiding sex any easier.

If you want to not have sex your choices will be to stop the physical progression now or stop it later. Stopping will never be fun. But it's a lot less fun and more heated and exciting the situation becomes. Our bodies are designed to go after more.

If I know that these choices are wrong, why do I do it?

Sometimes, just because I don't feel like telling myself no. An idea will pop into my head of unhelpful, compromising choices that I could make. My response is "Yeah that would be fun. I want that."

Definitely a big stupid reason is to get acceptance. I never thought I would be that person. So shallow and insecure. Trying to use my body to get something. But sometimes I feel myself thinking "this will make him happy." In some ways, I don't think it's all a bad motive. I've made it my job as his girlfriend to love him. Part of love gives physical affection. It gets to be a blurry line seeing the difference between appropriate affection and sexual compromise. It's difficult to keep my motives in check.

Another similar reason is to add something enjoyable to the relationship. Lately our relationship seems to mostly consist of work (we work together and have lots of time-consuming projects) or fighting. In the midst of a fight I don't want to keep crying and I still want to show him that I love him, and then things progress from there.

UGH! I don't know what I want. A big part of me wants to have a good relationship with God, but the other parts of me think that it's too much work. Then I give up and pursue satisfaction from other things.


Prayer:
God, I want to want you. I know that your ways are what's best for me. I want to be a good leader. I want to be unashamed of my life. Help me to have the right priorities. Help me to guard my heart. Right now I don't feel like making the best choices. Help me to want your best. I can't do this on my own. I don't even want to do it. I don't want to do the hard thing. I know it's not going to stop being difficult, but something in me needs to change. Give me some kind of motivation to change. One lie that I've believed at times is that I'm not good enough to have God's best. Help me to see myself the way you are. Help me to have hope for my future. 

Honoring a Promise

In one of my last posts I mentioned that I had recently gone much further physically than I had ever intended to with my boyfriend. It was a very hurtful experience because I had sacrificed my purity and innocence. Up to that point, things had never been so sexual. I could say that nothing SO EXTREMELY wrong had happened yet. I felt stupid for not stopping it. I felt angry at my boyfriend for letting it happen. I blamed him for starting the whole thing. Whether he intentionally started it or not, I allowed it to continue and did not in anyway discourage what was going on, in fact I continued when he stopped. I also am responsible. Throughout the next week after that incident I was very upset and talked to my boyfriend about it. We agreed that it was inappropriate and should not have happened. My boyfriend gave me a ring and told me that he promised to protect my purity.

Because he gave a ring to represent the promise, I knew that it couldn't be just like every other time that we told each other that we were going to do better. We had to mean it this time. Because my boyfriend made this promise I know that I need to honor him by helping him keep it. If I was wicked and unloving, I could encourage him to make bad choices and then we would both end up hurt. I want him to be able to respect that he is a man of his word and I want to respect him for that also. I want to support him in making good choices, because I love him.

Love doesn't just take.
Since that night, I think about the physical enjoyment and I want more. I want sexual experiences. Sometimes (what feels like most of the time) I feel sexually deprived. Because of this lack of sexual experiences, I feel very tempted to get sexual fulfillment from my boyfriend. I could throw myself at him or do the things that I know will make good choices difficult for him. I could "give" to him so that I could get what I want. But that kind of giving isn't love. Love respects. Love protects. As a person who loves him, I need to respect his purity.

Since then we've done pretty good at not getting sexual in our physical interactions. It's not easy, but it comes from a place of love and respect. I have to choose to put him before myself, to do what is respectful, out of love for him. Out of respect for my boyfriend I will make my own good choices. I will be in control of myself. I don't want him to have to tell me "no." I want to stop myself, before he has to.

My boyfriend and I have talked about loving each other more than we love kisses- I think that is really important. It says: I love you more than I love what I can get from you.



I realize that I am very vague about the details. Probably the biggest reason for the lack of information is because it's embarrassing and I don't like admitting to everything that has happened.

Blame, Shame, and A New Beginning

I am having difficulty admitting responsibility for the trouble I have gotten into. To me it seems like my boyfriend is the one who starts making bad choices first. It seems like it's his fault.

Prayer:
God, I want to be responsible for what I have done. Please help me to admit wrong. Help me to be humble. Help me to be in control of myself. Help me to be powerful. 

I have feeling of anger and distrust toward my boyfriend for what has happened. I feel like he doesn't love me. I want to be able to love well, regardless.

One of the most recent incidents kind of pushed me over the edge. We continued to cross the line into what is most definitely completely inappropriate.

I feel like as I was thinking just now, I am reminded of some of the wrong choices I've made. I've done really wrong things. To me, what my boyfriend did seemed worse, but that may not be completely true. And it doesn't make me innocent. I know that I need to apologize to my boyfriend and to God for what I have done.

I've tried to maintain my innocence telling myself that I wasn't the one making the bad decisions. I was trying to be passive and just let what ever happened happen. I'm sorry for trying to pass the blame. I'me sorry for making excuses. I'm sorry for the wrong and dishonoring things I have done. I'm sorry for impure experiences. I'm sorry for a loss innocence that I have caused.

I've felt like my life is ruined by what my boyfriend and I have done. I know how hugely inappropriate we have been. This isn't how I wanted to live my life. I wanted to be able to know and say that I hadn't crossed the lines we have crossed. I wanted to be pure. I had already previously had impurity in my mind, but my relationships had been pure. I thought I was ashamed before, but this is so much more real.

I need to live in forgiveness. I need to live as if I was forgiven and I need to forgive others.

Prayer:
God, I ask you to heal the hurt that I have caused. Heal me and heal my boyfriend. Help me to not be so selfish, only thinking of myself. Help me to want good things for my boyfriend. Help me to love him the way you love him. Help me to live as though I am forgiven. Help me to live as if sin is not part of my life. I don't want to accept this as part of my identity. I don't want to accept this as the norm. 

God is "doing something new, it's fresh. We haven't seen anything like it yet"

I trust God to create a new beginning in my life, and in the relationship with my boyfriend.

Again!

So, I had wanted this blog to be about finding restoration and about living above sin. Instead it seems like I keep saying, "I messed up again." I'm really tired of it. I want to live victorious. That's why I haven't posted much in the past week or so. Things just seem to be going down hill. So many things have happened that I never would have thought would. So many things have happened that I wish wouldn't have. If anything this should be a lesson of what not to do. Take all precautions possible. I advise you to go out of your way to avoid temptation. Be intentional about your choices.

I don't really have any excuses for what has happened. But I want to take time to examine all of the factors. These factors led to bad choices. I want to be able to make good choices regardless of my circumstance.

Prayer:
God I ask that you help me to understand what has happened. Help me to examine the past in a helpful way. Help me to not be stuck in a cycle of repetition. Help me learn from my past. God, I'm asking you to take my ashes and turn them into something beautiful. Take the mess I have created and turn it into something good. God, I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to live in victory. I want to live in freedom.

I've been super emotional over the past several weeks, just feeling defeated by life. I've felt so alone. I'm busy and so is everyone else around me. No one understands the turmoil I feel. I've felt like my life is falling apart. I've felt like life is more than I can handle. I've just wanted someone to spend time with me, someone to pay attention to me. The only person I've really been able to connect with has been my boyfriend. But with his busy schedule, with work, school, school projects, and school trips, are time always seems limited and rushed. I feel like we don't even have time to connect. We don't have time to do anything meaningful with our time because as soon as we get together- we're almost out of time.

My desire for affection and my vulnerable state of confusion and sadness causes me to seek to take. I want to take affection, and attention. I want to get. I've felt so drained and empty that it's as if I need someone to pay attention to me, to want to be with me.

In the moment of compromise, I think to myself, "whoa, too far. we shouldn't be doing this." But I don't feel like admitting this out-loud. I think sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice. Recently I think I was kind of outraged by the wrong things that were happening, but I didn't know what to do. Obviously I could just walk away. I felt powerless though. I don't completely understand why....

Prayer:
God, I ask you to help me realize the power that I have. Help me to seek you. Help me to value what is good. 

It's not only that I felt like I couldn't stop it, but part of me didn't want to. Wrong choices are enjoyable for a time. It's exciting, and fun.

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on the pleasure of sex. I feel like I need to take everything I can to experience satisfaction since I can't have what I really want. But my fleshly desires shouldn't get to win, meanwhile the rest of me is destroyed. At the time, I may have physically felt satisfied, but I was left feeling empty, used, dirty, and stupid. I didn't feel valuable or loved.

I asked God why sometimes I don't say "no" when I should. I think I'm afraid of being rejected. I feel like I get tired of realizing that my boyfriend and I want different things. That I want purity and he doesn't understand that what we're doing is wrong. It feels like rejection when he doesn't understand me. It feels like rejection when he keeps whining about the rules. I just give him what he wants because I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being alone. It feels lonely to not have someone agree with you.

Increased Temptation

One conversation that my boyfriend and I have had is that our current situation causes temptation to increase. Our schedules have been so busy that we've hardly had time for one another. It seems like for over the past month we've been running on what I would consider a deficit of quality time. Every time we do get to be together it seems like we're playing catch-up. For both of us our love-language is physical touch- which means that we feel loved when we are being touched. Physical touch isn't necessarily sexual, but just touching in general. It can be anything like hugs, hand-holding, and sitting close to one another. Since we don't see each other much, we miss out on those little things that add up. Those things make us feel full and loved. When we do see each other it's as if we have to make up for all of those days in a short amount of time. I feel as though since our time is limited we need to make it count. This has led to trouble as the physical touch goes past appropriateness. I am SO TIRED of feeling like I'm in the negative. I am SO TIRED of not having enough. I feel a bit hopeless because the situation doesn't seem like it's going to change anytime soon.

Increase of temptation does not mean an excuse to sin. I was created to do what's right- not what's easy. I was created to be strong. I have the power of God living inside of me. I am powerful. I am in control of my choices.

In the book Moral Revolution (by Kris Vallotton & Havilah Cunnington) it teaches about creating a purity plan. Yes it's good to have purity goals, but it is just as important to have a plan to accomplish those goals.

Off the top of my head, here are some things that I need to consider in order to make pure choices:

Honesty:

• Admitting (to yourself and aloud to the other person)- I am tempted, I feel weak, I need help

Selflessness:

• Not just seeking to fulfill one's own desires. (I want to feel loved, so I will get you to  (or allow you to) kiss me lots... ext)
• Actually wanting to help the other person make good choices, even when you won't be getting as much affection.
• Wanting the other person to be able to respect themselves and be respectable.
• Wanting to make it easier for the other person to make good choices, instead of increasing temptation. 
• Wanting what's good for the other person spiritually instead of sexually. (yes this may please him sexually, but is it actually beneficial?)
• Wanting to give rather than receive.
• I will do what is loving. 
• I will not use another person for my benefit.  

Thinking with your brain:

• Emotions may make you "feel" like you need a sexual experience.
• What other ways can you get what you need?
• Separating needs from wants?
• Evaluating what is helpful. 
• If you actually think about it you would probably be able to tell that it's a bad idea. 

Praying

• When you don't know the answer ask God
• Trust Him to help.

Prayer:

God, I feel like I've been selfish. I've been so desperate for time and affection. My thoughts have been "me, me, me." Help me to love more. Help me to consider others as more important than myself. Help me to seek to give. Help me to find ways to not feel so needy. Fulfill my needs with your Spirit. Help me to make good choices. Help me to make choices that are helpful and not harmful. Give me an increase of wisdom. Help me to decipher my wants from my needs, what is real from what is a lie. Help me to understand my feelings and respond with power. Help me to always remember that I am a powerful person. I can do hard things 

Honesty

I believe a big part of staying pure is honesty. The first part is being aware of my thoughts and feelings. I need to be honest with myself. Am I feeling weak? Am I feeling tempted to make bad choices? After admitting to myself what is going on I can then make a plan on how I am going to deal with it. Part of my plan will be admitting to others when I need help. I know that my boyfriend is on my side and wants to help me. I can allow him to help me by telling him what I am feeling.

For instance I could say:
"We should be careful. I miss you, and I am feeling tempted to make bad choices. Let's make good choices."

And we could discuss what we can do to avoid increasing temptation and bad choices.

The only reason why I would not do this is if I didn't actually want to avoid bad choices. Sometimes I decide to just let whatever happens happen. I decide to compromise. I decide to justify my actions. I decide that this is what  I need (to satisfy my flesh temporarily.) I have always chosen my wrong actions. In the moment, I decide that it's what I want most. We always to choose to do what we want. I need to want purity in order to choose it in my life.

Prayer:
God, I ask you to help me to be strong enough and smart enough to make good choices. Provide a way of escape when I feel tempted. Help me to want purity. Give to me your wisdom. Help me value purity, more than I value what is temporal. Help me understand the power and consequences of my actions. Help me to do what is right and what is helpful. 

Admitting Wrong

Just a quick update, because I have lots to do today.

Like I said, I was planning to talk to my pastor to give him an update on what was going on. We are close and he believes in me. I didn't want to have him believing that I was doing a good job when I wasn't. Especially since he has trusted  me with ministry in the church and I am a leader under his direction, I thought it would be good to have accountability and honesty. I talked to my pastor yesterday, telling him that there were inappropriate things going on between me and my boyfriend. Not much came from the meeting. I would like to discuss why we are having these issues of not being able to stick with boundaries. Even though I did not receive any wonderful solution to the problem, I do believe it was beneficial to have that talk. Another reason I think it was important for me to have that talk with my pastor is because it gave me the opportunity to admit to another person that I was doing something wrong. Now that I have admitted to doing something wrong, I now have the responsibility to act. I no longer can keep pretending that what I'm doing isn't wrong.

My boyfriend and I will be talking about this also. We will need to continue to set up boundaries and plans to keep them. We need to decide what we will not do. We need to set up a plan on what we will do to make right choices. We will need to decide what we WILL DO with our time together.

I also know that I need to be accountable to my accountability partners. I've been embarrassed to admit my struggle to them. I want them to think well of me.

Prayer:
God, I pray that you help me to make good choices. Help me to not compromise. Help me to be accountable. Help me to not be afraid. Help me to want to seek what is good for me. Help me to push past discomfort. Help me to have relationships of honest. 

Same Old Same Old

In my last entry I stated:
"When I don't want to make the right choice, I want to ask those questions and seek the truth. I want to not settle for compromise so that I can get what I want."

Well that didn't happen. I continued to let my boyfriend be the one to say when we need to stop. Which by the way, totally makes me feel like an idiot- as if I am incapable of being the one to make good choices.

I feel stuck on a repeating cycle. I keep deciding that I'm going to start acting differently, but when it comes to the moment of temptation, I do what I said I wasn't going to do. I feel like a broken record. I feel ridiculous.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up talking to my pastor about this because so far we haven't been able to get this figured out on our own. So far, my boyfriend and me continuously have set up rules that we end up breaking. The I wonder, as we're breaking the rules, are we going to break all of the rules? My pastor has been a close leader to me. I've been able to talk to him about difficulties I've had in the past. I'm not looking forward to telling him that I messed up. I know that he believes in me. I know that he wants what's best for me. I don't want any secrets between me and my pastor. I want him to know what's going on. I know that I can be myself with my pastor. It's important for me to have trust in that relationship. I don't want to pretend like I'm doing alright, or like I don't have problems. I can't have him thinking I am more innocent than I am. I wonder what my pastor is going to do or say. I wonder what kind of accountability he will require. I know that involving him would be better than not.

When I Don't Want To Make the Right Choice

Sometimes I hate my life. I hate that I can't have what I want. I am constantly thinking of ways to be physical with my boyfriend that I know wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be helpful to our purity, toward our ministry, or our relationship with God. We know that there are certain things that are special for marriage and we don't want to keep robbing our marriage of those experiences- it's like stealing. None of this keeps me from wanting what I want. I need to trust more God that if I follow His way, He will give me good things. I need to trust that I can be fulfilled through God's way.

When I don't want to make the right choice, I am so thankful that my boyfriend holds me accountable and asks "should we do this?"

When I don't want to make the right choice, I want to ask those questions and seek the truth. I want to not settle for compromise so that I can get what I want. 

When I see my boyfriend (or even think of him), I think of the ways I want to be close to him, to hold him and kiss him. I want those thoughts to change. I want to replace those thoughts with good thoughts I don't want to lust after him. I don't want to use him for my personal enjoyment. I want to love him. I want to give love to him. But that is part of the reason I want to kiss him, it's to give my affection to him. I think my attention should be more on God. How would God want me to love my boyfriend? How can I love and worship God through loving my boyfriend?

I think the answer to these questions is selflessness. I can love my boyfriend by giving him what he needs, not just what he wants. I can love him by respecting his purity, by not putting him in a place of temptation. I can encourage my boyfriend that we can make good choices together. I can encourage him that good choices are worth it. Instead I have been complaining about what we can't have or don't have. What would be more loving is to rejoice and celebrate what we do have. Celebrate God's goodness. 

I've been angry lately. 

Maybe at God- for giving me and my boyfriend lives of ministry.

At the laws of universe- because I can't just live without God and be okay with it, I can't live my life out of ministry and sinfully and be happy.

At my school/ church- for keeping us so busy that we don't have much time together

At my boyfriend- for not being able to spend every second with me

At myself- for not waiting for God's best, and for having a bad attitude, for being tempted

Prayer:

God, please help me with my attitude. Help me to rejoice and worship in all times. Help me to see the good you are doing. Help me to enjoy my life. Help me to trust you. Help me to not feel alone. Help me to live my life with you, knowing that you are by my side, knowing that you are on my side and for me. God give me peace to face my current situation and be okay with it. You give me everything I need. I trust you to make something good out of this challenging time. God, I know that you are good and you're doing something good.I laugh at the lies of the enemy that say that my life sucks. My life is full of you. I am getting something good from God, whether I can see it or not. 

Regret

I have regret about my online past and the things that I've seen. I regret that I can't un-see those things. I regret that it takes my mind to where it shouldn't be. I regret that what I saw gave me a false view of sex. I regret even more the things that I have done with my boyfriend. My experiences online, were private. They damaged my mind and my eyes. It wasn't as big of a reality as what has happened now. Now I have made choices that affect my heart, my body, and my relationship.

I regret that I have given away my innocence. I regret that I have given away the mystery. I regret that I have given away parts of my body. I think of my wedding night, and what I have stolen from it. I think of the experiences that I have had with my boyfriend and how fun and exciting they were. Had we waited, those experiences would be associated with joy and righteousness. The excitement of the newness now won't be experienced in our marriage. I regret that my past choices now make it even more difficult to make right choices. I regret awakening more parts of my sexuality.

Prayer:
God, I know that I had come to a conclusion about what needed to be done It's really hard for me to choose you. I have such strong feelings of desire. My love for him is passionate and I feel deprived of expression of that. Help me to be strong enough to choose what's right. Help me to have the hard conversations. Help me to seek after what's important. I feel anxious when I think about not choosing what my flesh wants. I don't feel able. In the moment of choice, I seem to change my mind. I want to be with him physically the way I have been. I want to be close. But I want to live in freedom. I think of when we were limiting ourselves to three kisses a day. That felt freeing. Now that I've experienced what I have, it makes it so much more tempting. God, I need a way of escape. Give me the strength to say the words that need to be said. Give me a passion for what I need to do. I want to serve you. I want to be a good leader. God, I've kind of tired of having these difficult conversations with him. I'm tired of admitting the truth. Facing the truth will be painful. We will have to admit that we are hurt, and that we did what's wrong. We will have to admit what we have given away. I don't want to take responsibility for what I have done. In a way I want to protect him from that responsibility also. I don't want to him to be hurt by his choices. I don't want to make him feel bad. 

Life or Death?

After much procrastination, I finally got back to doing my purity lesson. I talked out my situation with God, and I was really feeling like I need to do what is best for my relationship with Him. I need to live for Him like I said that I would. I know that I can't live this way and effectively minister the way God has called me to. But sometimes I question if I can do what God is calling me to anyway. I wonder if I'm capable, or if I'm willing. I really want to run from my responsibilities. 

I'm scared of changing my actions. I don't really want to give up the experiences that I've had. I don't want to live with having done what I have and not being able to repeat it. I just want to be married so badly right now. They say that marriage doesn't fix your problems, but it seems like it would fix this one. The problem being that there are things that I want to do but shouldn't- things that I can't encourage others to do, or tell others about, things that I can't be proud of.

 Through talking about this with God, I have decided that I need to do something. I am a leader and this is not the way to lead, so something has to change. The problem is- what needs to change? I need to talk with my boyfriend and we need to decide together. We need to decide what kind of life we can lead others to follow.  It will be a difficult choice to make, because we enjoy how things are now. By choosing to do things differently, I fear that I will be missing out. 

The lesson I did today in my course (x3pure) mentioned that sex outside of God's plan doesn't give us anything, it only takes. Although I haven't had sex, I believe that my use of my sexuality has been outside of God's plan. John 10:10 says "the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy."I think of how much less I will have to offer on my wedding night. I had hoped to have more to give. I bought the lie that I would get something out of these sexual experiences, but in reality I probably gave up more than I gained. I gave up my innocence, my purity. I feel like I've given up my value, and my worth. I feel like I've given up my respect. 

James 1:14 says that desire leads to sin, and then the sin grows and brings death.
I have to ask, "Are my choices leading to life or death?"

My choices don't make me feel more alive. My choices don't make me feel more full of joy. My choices don't bring me closer to God, they push me further. My choices are leading to death.

One belief that some have is that ""because I love him, I should give myself to him."

I do have love for my boyfriend and want to show it- but it is important to do that correctly. God has given us freedom, and it is important to not abuse that freedom. Galatians 5:13 encourages us not to use liberty for the flesh but through love to serve one another. 

In serving another person it is important not to just serve their flesh, but think of what is beneficial to the other person spiritually. I don't want to do anything that would cause damage to my boyfriend spiritually, or to God's call on his life. 

I realize that I haven't respected his purity. I haven't protected his innocence. I feel bad for that. I want to respect him and not cause him to live disrespectfully. I want to bring life to him. I feel the need to apologize and to commit to doing what's right, but doing what's right is so difficult, and not desirable. I realize that there are blessings from doing what's right. I should desire those blessings. I need to trust God to bring us intimacy and connection even without the physical. It may be something that we need to fight harder for, but it will be worth it. 

I don'd know how to have this conversation with my boyfriend. I don't want to shame him. I don't want to deprive him. But I do want what's best for him. 

Prayer:

God, I pray that you will give me the words to say. Give me the strength to face my fears. Help me to love my boyfriend above myself. Help me to have life spiritually. Help me to live a life that is a blessing and brings life to others. Help him to know that I love him. Help him to understand. Give him a passion for you, and a passion for what's right. Help me to communicate clearly. Help me to trust you. Help prepare us for marriage. Help us get closer and know each other more. Help us to know what to do and to make good choices. Help us to live a life that we can lead others to follow. This life I've chosen isn't easy. Help me to not give up. 

Avoiding the Problem

So, I haven't posted lately, because I pretty much abandoned my quest for purity. It's weird, purity has been something I've been passionate about. I've failed before, but it was something I wanted. But now, I've been choosing selfishly. I don't really know what I want. I don't really want to face my situation, because I don't really want to change it. To some extent, I want to do what's right; I want to be a good leader. I feel like I've failed. I NEVER thought I would have done the things I have. I feel alone with my thoughts. I don't want to share them, because then I would have to face reality. Reality is, I can't condone the things I have done. If it was anyone else, I would hold them to a higher standard- but now I can't. I feel as though I don't have anything to stand on. I feel as though I've lost credibility. I don't feel like I can get credibility back unless I live a life I can lead others with. I'm not saying that I'm not allowed to mess up, but this seems to go beyond that. I have created a lifestyle of compromise.

I want to be a good leader. I want to be a godly example. I want to be able to encourage people to do what's right.

I really don't want to stop this, but I'm faced with this: I gave my life to God. I gave my life to ministry. What I'm doing isn't ministering to anyone. I'm basically turning away from my commitment to Him.

My actions say that I'd rather live for myself than God. Of course I do! Who wouldn't!? How does anyone do this? Not just live a life of purity, but in general, living from the Spirit instead of the flesh.

I want to be happy, but it's so hard.
I'm unhappy and feel absolutely tortured when I don't get what I want. Now, I'm enjoying myself. - but at what cost?
What am I losing?
How can I go back?
Do I even want to?

I'm tired of doing the hard thing. I want the easy thing. Oh, if only there were no consequences. If only it wasn't wrong. If only I was married.

I wonder, Why does my life suck?

Prayer:
God, I feel far away from you. I know that I can't pursue a relationship with you and maintain this lifestyle. I haven't been praying. I haven't been worshiping. Because you haven't been important to me. This totally feels like a jerk declaration. Like we're supposed to be friends and here I am saying that I don't care about our relationship. I know that I need to speak the truth. I need to admit what I am doing. My day should be full of you. You should be on my mind from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I should be walking with you all day. But I've pushed you away. My actions have shown what is important to me, but I don't actually want to give up what we have. I need your help. I feel like giving up on my dreams. I feel like I fail at being a leader. Who am I trying to fool. I feel like I suck. I feel like I can't do this. 

God, I need you. I need you in my life. I need to hear your voice. Please be gentle with me. I'm not asking you to tell me what I want to hear. I am asking for a miracle. Make me miraculously strong to do what's right. Help give me the wisdom to make the truth bearable, to make doing the right thing bearable. I need a strategy of what to do. I want to enjoy my life. I want to not be ashamed. I want joy. I want fruitfulness. I want fun. I want contentment. I want intimacy. I want trust. I want connection. Can I have what I want and what I need? Can I enjoy being in your will? Sometimes I wish I could enjoy being out of it, but I don't actually want to be. I just want my way. I want to have fun. 

God, I need a miracle. I need to want your will for my life. I need to want your way for my life. Your ways are good. You are a good God. You give me good things. Help me to see the good things you have given me. Help change my view of life. Get me out of the pit of negativity. 

Thank you for not giving up on me, Amen.

Purity Course

I mentioned in my first post that I am currently going through a couple of courses on purity. One course that I am going through is called X3 Pure. It is a 30-day online workshop through Triple X Church. The course costs $99. I had a coupon code to get a discount and only paid about $75. I say ONLY, but honestly that is a lot of money to me. I am a student who works part-time. I only make about $500 a month. In order to pay that $75 I had to sacrifice. I decided that if I was really serious about pursuing purity, I could give up a third of my paycheck. If you have the money I would recommend making the purchase. If you don't have the money, I recommend saving. But whatever you do, don't wait to start pursuing purity. It's too important to wait.

The course includes 15 video sessions and a course manual (.pdf.) The manual has fill in the blank questions to follow along with the video and reflective questions.

The course was designed to be completed in 30 days, but you will have online access for a year.
To complete the course in 30 days you will need to do it everyday. One day you will watch a video and fill in the blanks, and the next day you will do the reflective questions.

The videos are only about 15 minutes, so it shouldn't take you too long.

I haven't made this much of a priority. When I first started I intended to do the lessons everyday. In the past 28 days of my course, I've only done 12 days worth. :/ Sure I have excuses, but this is important.

Introduction

Welcome to my blog. This will be a bit of a new experience. I am on a journey and I want to document what's going on in my mind, and what God is doing in my heart. This journey is a search for purity. I am going through a few books on purity and will be reflecting on the content as well as reflecting on my life.

I'll give you a, hopefully quick, intro of my back story.

So here goes...
My name is Amber. I am a christian and have grown up in church my whole life. For as long as I can remember (maybe starting at age 4-5) I entertained sexual fantasies in my mind. I wanted sex and thought about it a lot. When I was about 17 or 18 I started viewing porn online. When I was 20, I started going to a christian school that prohibited pornography usage, so I stopped. I am 23 and still in that school. In the past few years, I have struggled off and on with lustful fantasies and on occasion have viewed porn. After all of this time, I have decided that I want to fight for purity in my life.

As you follow along in my journey you will discover more of the story.

I have titled this blog "Washed Whiter Than Snow" because Jesus died on the cross to forgive every sin. God's forgiveness is perfect. God intends to restore everyone, including me. God sets me free from my past.

As I stated, I am a christian. I don't know what being a christian means to you, but to me it means that God is my reason for living. I will mention God a lot and will be including prayers as part of the blog.

Prayer:
God I thank you for what you are doing. Thank you for your forgiveness, for your freedom. Give me the strength to pursue only the best for my life. Bless this journey and bless this blog. I pray that your presence will be in every word that I type. I pray that as you set me free, you will set others free through this blog. I pray that I will grow closer to truth. Amen.